Tuesday, March 09, 2004
The Last Day
I glanced up at the window and noticed it was light out, or rather gray out. The kind of atmosphere you sometimes get on a gloomy morning. When the moon has gone down and the sun is late in rolling out of bed. A time I like to call my coffee time. There are no pressures and no stress. It is as if time has stood still. I finished my coffee, regretting the loss of its rich earthy aroma. I gather my forms and equipment to turn in. I try to straighten my disheveled and wrinkled uniform, as I head out the door. I moan as I notice my windshield is frozen and it is starting to drizzle. I shiver as I scrape the ice from my windshield, and I glance at my watch 0610. I am already five minutes late and as my anxiety builds over being late, I chuckle and relax thinking to myself ? this is your last day, what are they going to do to me.? I get into my car, and then it all hits me, ? I will no longer be a sailor.? I will never get to watch the ocean at night, as the moon plays peek-a-boo with the stars. I have lost the sea. My days as petty officer Wilde are over.
On the drive to work I thought over what I would say when confronted by my CO. How do you talk candidly with a man who could destroy your life? I wanted to tell him so much. All the injustices within the command, and all the things that were wrong with the bureaucracy of the command. But more than that I wanted to share the good things that happened, all the things I was proud of accomplishing. I arrive at base and go through what has become my morning routine. I show my I.D. card to the security guard who stands shivering in the drizzle, the incessant drizzle. He waves me through, and I continue on my way. I pull into the officer?s parking lot feeling a little mischievous over the fact that some officer is going to get wet. It?s the little things that make us happy.
It is now 0700 and I have been waiting for the CO for 35 minutes, and I can hear the rain as it beats against the windowpane of the CO?s outer office. I am feeling sick and the fluorescent lights were giving me a headache. I had been celebrating in true navy fashion the night before. A sailor?s goodbye to one of their family members. It was a great night; I felt the love of my friends. All the while knowing that I would be forgotten after a few months. There never seems to be time for reminiscence when you are constantly traveling. And while all this is happening in my head and to my body, my CO goes through his normal morning. Sipping coffee eating a pastry and perhaps looking over his schedule trying to find ways to squeeze my meeting in. Here I am waiting on a man who doesn?t even know my name. Waiting for him to give me the speech. Everyone who has ever been discharged from the military knows what speech I am talking about. ? Petty Officer Wilde, we are going to miss your technical skill and professional attitude. You have done an outstanding job.? There is never anything good in the military, it is always outstanding, or excellent. The truly humorous thing is he will be praising me, while all the while staring at my nametag so he doesn?t mess up my name.
Well 0715 comes and I am called into his office. He asks me to sit down, and I do, nervously. I have never been seated in front of this man. Well he starts his speech. Firing off syllables one after another as though he had dictated this speech earlier and was just now playing it back to me. And yes he is staring at my nametag. Well he gets to the question part and asks me what I feared the most. ?What would you change about this command?? Followed by an equally horrible question. ?What did you enjoy the most about your tour in VAQ-140?? I had rehearsed my answers to these very same questions and now the moment of truth. But at this moment I realize, I don?t care anymore. I haven?t cared for a while. I loved my time in the navy. But hated the bureaucracy of it. And now I am just tired. So I said nothing. ?Attenhut? he said and then signed my discharge papers. I was now a civilian.
I am out of the navy now, but unfortunately the navy is not out of me. I find myself missing it a lot. Even the hardships of it I once hated. And now I am at a position in my life where the navy doesn?t fit. And I guess that the hardest thing about joining the navy is having to leave it. When all is said and done this is the morning I lost the sea.
Max Wilde
buddahx 2:12 AM - [Link]
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
"Another belief of mine: that everyone my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise." -Margaret Atwood
buddahx 9:57 AM - [Link]
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Test Post
System 9:53 AM - [Link]
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