MadCzech's Ramblings

I think I know what I have to do..... but I am tired... actually, sleep tired... I have a tendency to over-react when I am really tired... but I know that I have to start pulling back. I have to do it slow... ween myself, otherwise I will be running back to you... like I have so many times already.... Is there anyway to do this without both of us getting hurt? I don't think so... but I am going to try.... I need to be a man about this.. I have been to wishy-washy.... I have expected you to stop me... I have expected you to be strong for me... I think it is because I think you can do anything... that your strong enough for the both of us.... you were before... and I think you could be now... but it isn't your job.... I give all these speeches about responsibility and duty... about chivalry... about living right.. and I am so far from it.... would I want my daughter involved with a married man? My son messing around on his wife? I don't think so... but I am the one who needs to raise them... that is my job.... to set the example and the bar for them.... and if this goes on.. it will eventually come out.... it is just a matter of time.... I need to step to the plate for my swing.... and in this case... I am afraid that will mean actually backing up...............

MadCzech 10:39 AM - [Link]
...

Last night we crossed lines we haven't crossed before.... normally, that wouldn't be an issue to me. I enjoyed it so much... it made me want more, and we almost did more.

But She called, at the most inopportune time. I felt busted. My heart was racing. I was trying not to sound out of breath. I was torn. Lying to her... In front of you... my mind was screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"

You were so freaked out; I put it all out of my mind to comfort you...

I am scared. Scared of getting caught... scared of the 2 wks 5 days ahead of me and what is or isn't at the end.

I don't know what to do! I am doing crazy stuff... thinking of you all the time, looking for your car in traffic, buying you cards, getting up in the middle of the night to come and see you. That doesn't sound like a normal guy.

I know it bothers you I am married. It bothers me too... especially when I leave... that is when I get all the guilt. But what do we do?

Do I tell you it's over and crush you, crush me? Do I tell you to move? You are thinking about it anyway.... is that the answer?

I wish I knew... I am just afraid to talk to you about it. I don't know if you are where I am. It doesn't seem like it.

I really love you. I think you know that. I feel so guilty about every aspect of this, the betrayal, my kids, letting you fall in love with me, falling in love with you....

I wish I didn't love you... I wish I didn't base so much of myself on your happiness. I wish I could be someone who could walk away from something like this...

What do I do, Baby? Usually we are on the same page.... I don't think we are today. And does it matter? We both go back and forth, like riding the pendulum.... we just swing further and further each time. When does it stop? When we're discovered?

MadCzech 8:03 AM - [Link]
...

I talked to my friend... I didn't like what he had to say... there were alot of parts I didn't like.

He said it isn't over. It won't be until after I tell Her. He said he didn't think I was ready yet, but I had to confess to those I'd wronged. I am not even ready for that yet.

He said it won't be over until I'm not afraid of people finding out, but I am only focused on God and my eternal salvation... He says someone will find out, or someone already knows. That I'll say something or you might, and someone will find out.. that people may have noticed the time we spend together, how it's increased over the last 5 weeks, and they have put it together. He said it will come out somehow.

He said I am not strong enough... your not.. he's not... none of us are. That I need to make some DRASTIC changes in my life... not just walking with the Lord, but other worldly changes. I agreed that he could hold me accountable for making the changes. If I make them, people are going to ask why. No matter how hard you and I try, we are still going to cause eachother to sin.

I wish I wouldn't have called him. I wish he wasn't right. I was so uncomfortable on the call with him, just because I know he is right. I don't know about telling Her. I don't think that is going to help anything. Maybe in 20 years or so....

I can't say any more... it isn't wise... I want to tell you how I feel and what I think, what I wish for... what I hope and dream for... but it won't help anything... it will just make things worse for both you and I.

I am so sorry. I am sorry that I caused you to sin. I am sorry I have wronged you.
MadCzech 3:14 PM - [Link]
...

I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to end. I read your blog. It makes me mad that you are thinking the same things I am thinking. Yet more proof of compatibility.


I can't feel the joy of a walk with God. I listened to a praise album today and the words sounded foreign. I am reminded that there is so much guilt involved in Christianity... in walking with the Lord. The goals are so high... Some times it looks like Everest.... I know I can climb it, but I am not sure of the sacrafice that I will have to take to get there. The guilt feels so heavy.... I want to go to confession... I have confessed and begged forgiveness and I don't feel any better...

I feel guilt for dragging you away from God. I am more than a stumbling block for you... I am a wall that has sperated you from Him. I have caused YOU to sin... I am not just dragging myself through the gutter, I am taking you SO far down....

I keep asking myself the same questions.... why are we doing this? what are we hoping for? All we are doing is picking up logs from the fire... it is just a matter of time before we get burned.

I can't down play my concern. The thought that hit me as I was leaving has consumed a lot of my thoughts. What if? What would we do? How would you EVER tell your parents? Your sister? Would you run from me? I don't know any answers, but I admit, I am scared.

Sometimes it is like I am someone else, watching.... I see me doing things that I know are wrong... I see me saying things I KNOW I shouldn't be saying.. I try to tell myself not to, but I don't listen. It is like I only get a few moments of clarity, then I am back at the bottom.

I don't want to lose you (Is she really yours?). We are still friends.... and I love the friendship that we have(but you can't keep your boundries! You make her cross HER boundries)! I am afraid that we wouldn't be able to talk like we do (talking like you do lead you where you are!!). I can't get over how happy i am to see your text, your IMs, your face (Day 1, it's NOT ABOUT YOU!). I just want you to be happy ( if you wanted her to be happy, you would stop screwing up her life!) and I want to hold you (sin) and look into your eyes (sin). I love the way your nose wrinkles up when you smile... a special smile for me (Dude! That smile ISN'T for you! It's for her husband! Someone who can give her so much more than you. Your using her! You are a big boy, you've been around the block... You KNOW that this is going to end in flames! Your just lucky you have the Grace of God to forgive you or it would be literal flames! You GOTTA quit relying on the Grace and start walking the right path. You need to get your crap together... Right now you are nothing!!!! Your not a good boyfriend, cause your married, your not a good husband, because you have a girlfriend, your not a good father because you are risking making your children grow up like you, Dad in the summer, Mom in the school year. Your not a good manager because you sit at your desk waiting for a peak at her, writing her, not even TRYING to concentrate on your work, but thinking of kissing and holding her! What good ARE you? A good Christian? Don't make me laugh!! Your stealing from God by not EARNING your paycheck... your just collecting the money for sitting at your desk obsessing. You make me sick...)

Please don't think me insane... just letting out my inner battle onto paper. More later... conf. call right now.


MadCzech 11:22 AM - [Link]
...

It's not fair! You look SO CUTE today!! I just want to wrap my arms around you! I want to take you out and show you off! I can't tell you what my heart did when I saw you! I keep thinking of your REAL smile... the way your nose wrinkles up! SHEW! Are you ever good looking!!
MadCzech 8:56 AM - [Link]
...

This is going to be a difficult day. Sometimes I disappoint myself, constantly thinking of you. Sitting in church, all I can think about is talking to you about the sermon, or how that applies to you and I. It isn't right I can't stop thinking of you, even in church. I picked up the phone to call you about 10 times on Sunday. I hit the driving range, almost called you on the way there. I missed you all day.

Got in my car this morning, almost called you to see how you were doing, but I don't know where you are at right now... if you are doing good, I don't want to be your stumbling block. Luckily, I have a busy day today.

Father,

I pray that you will talk to me today. I am in a difficult situation and don't know what to do about it, Father. I get the feeling that you are trying to teach us something. Every effort we make falls flat, Lord, and now it seems to go further and further... if not physically, then mentally. I am entertaining thoughts that I know aren't of you, Father. Oh, that the were from you, Father... That you could be telling me that I belong with A. not her.... that it was okay, Lord, but I know that is about me, not you, Father. Lord, turn my heart and eyes to you.

You have a special way of correcting me, and this feels like the start. My decline, me hitting bottom, then all I have to turn to is you, Father. I pray that you show me the lesson before I hit bottom. Is there something I haven't seen that I am supposed to? Am I missing the lesson? I think I have it, Lord. Please stop the pain, the longing. Please give me strength. I want so much to be on the right path again. I want you to walk with me, but I can't stop thinking of A.

Is it you showing me how things could be? That not all women are like I imagined? Father, why show me that? Why show me a love that I can not have? I am not questioning your wisdom, Father.... but is that the message?

Is the message that nobody, no matter how high I hold them, is perfect? I knew that... in my head. Now I know Father. Please....?

Is it that my life will be filled with strife without you? That flirting is bad? That I need to guard my heart? Watch who I talk to? What are you telling me Father? Please make it clear before my flesh destroys A. and I... as well as E. and the kids.

Father, thank you for all the blessings you have given me. I am thankful of your grace and majesty, Lord. Thank you for being a Father that I can look up to, learn from, to take over in my teaching after I have left my earthly father. I thank you that you love me enough to correct me and guide me.

Thank you for your mercy and the sacrifice of your Son for me. Lord, forgive me of my sins against you, Father. Wash me in The Blood, Father. Take away all the sins in my heart and leave me pure as snow. I pray you will fill me with the Holy Spirit, that I might walk more like Christ and not sin against You.

Bless A., Lord. Give her strength and courage today, that she have a strong hold on The Rock, Lord.

In the name of Christ Jesus...

Amen.
MadCzech 8:18 AM - [Link]
...

I know you are back. I can feel it... I saw you pop up on IM a couple times... I couldn't answer.

I am in a tough spot. I don't know what I am supposed to say, what I am supposed to do. I am afraid to tell you that I am trying to get my walk back tword Christ. I am afraid you will see it as pushing you away... Kind of strange... you are an inspiration to me, encouragement to me, and I am afraid to tell you.

The time in my life when I was most happy was when I was living back East. My whole family was happy. I was really a different man. I had different priorities, but my life was good and happy. The difference was that I wasn't focused on me, I was focused on God. We all were because I am the leader of my family and they follow me. I have been living for me... living for you. That has only made matters worse at home.

Today I broke down and called a man that used to be my brother, my mentor, my guide, my friend, my confidant. I haven't spoken to him in two years. It was odd, but I felt like the prodical son. After we had talked for a minute, he said what is wrong? What can I do for you? He knew I was hurting. I didn't tell him... not yet... I am ashamed. Ashamed at how far I have fallen. Ashamed to show Jesus my face. He knew though... he didn't say it and neither did I, but he knew. We talked about work... about how I get my validation through work. About how the more I put time in at work, the more respect I get there and the less I get at home. That drives me to work. He said it can change in an instant. He said all it takes is one rumor, true or untrue, and I will have lost all the respect I have earned at work. He also pointed out I won't lose that respect from Her or my children. Wise man.

You would like him. He is radical Christian. Some people would call him a freak, the extreme measures he takes to follow the Word. A literal Genius as well. Would that I have the same faith he has. He was the single greatest example and influence I have had in my Christian walk.

I know I will actually say it to him. Some time when his wife and kids aren't around. I need his focus on my issue. I need CHRISTIAN advice.

We prayed on the phone. He prayed for me, my family, my walk, my struggles, my work... I prayed for him, too. Besides a dinner prayer, I haven't prayed out loud in a long time. It felt like I was a phoney. I was afraid he would know... my fumbling... my stuttering... Why would God listen to me? I know the answer... HE died for me, he has so much invested in me, why would he turn his back over something so small? I know in my head, but in my heart I am torn by guilt.

What do we do? What do we say? Where are the lines? Is it going to go back to our discussion of our struggle? That makes it worse. I know it is hard for you, at least as hard as it is for me, if not harder, but where are we getting by talking about it? It leaves me know how much I hurt you and putting ideas in both of our heads.

I listened to part one of the 722 sermon on sexual sins. He hit the nail on the head when he said their face pops in your head and a little movie plays. I have that all the time. That isn't good.

I am not going to cry over how we got here. I know. I did it. I wished for it. I begged for it. I plotted, planned, and conived for it. I know exactly how we got here. Now what do we do? What can we do? Did you come to the same realization I did? I have prayed for you. I prayed that He would take away the pain for you. That HE would help you realize I am not what HE intended for you... That anything that can come of our relationship in its current state is unholy. But I am very frightend that you didn't have the same experience.

It frightens me because you can knock all that I built. It is just the shell of something that will be stable some day. But each day is a struggle for me. That is without you in my life. Now I will see you tomorrow. One touch and it all will be gone, like a tsunami crushing a sand castle. Your eyes can pierce my armor and turn loose all that I have fought to control. Is this fair to you? No... it isn't. I shouldn't even be telling you this. You have that affect on me. I have no control when I am near you. I feel so terrible saying it... begging for mercy, pleading for you to lift me up after all I have taken from you, but I can do nothing else. I can't fight you, I can't even resist you, so I beg you while I still have willpower... before I see you... I don't know what I am asking for... I am praying that HE has worked in you... Praying that HE will give you and I both strenght and wisdom... Your walk HAS been a testimony to me... You have been an inspiration to me, in so many ways...

I fight myself... it seems pathetic to dedicate your life to Christ. Weak... Blindly turning to a God that exists in your life due to your own faith in HIM. But that was the only time I was happy. I don't understand... I am torn between running from HIM and running to HIM.

Gracious Heavenly Father, I come before you in the strangest of ways and in the strangest of situations. I pray that you will give me strength, Father. I pray that you will grant A. and I strength to do what is pleasing in YOUR eyes, and wisdom to know what it is YOU would have of us. Father, I thank YOU for the unending mercy and love YOU have for us. That time and time again, as I have strayed from YOU, Father, YOU have taken me back into YOUR arms. Thank YOU for the patience YOU have with me. I feel like a dog on a leash, Father. I run from YOU and YOU softly pull me back when YOU could give me a yank that would knock me off my feet and choke me. I thank YOU Father, for putting A. in my life as a testimony. For showing me there is a human side to those that I though I never could be like. As I would be pushed farther away from YOU, Dear God, thinking I could never walk so close to YOU, so why try at all. YOU have given me a true friend who has shared so much with me, Lord. Someone who has told me that YOUR love means we have to put forth an effort. That we still will have struggles. That YOU will always be there for us. GOD in Heaven, Father, King of Kings, I praise your Holy Name for the bounty and mercy YOU have shown me. I pray that I will be a good steward of the talents and resources that YOU have given me... That I, too, can be a testimony to someone in their walk as A. has been to me. I pray that you will bless her, Father. Take her in YOUR arms and hold her... Take away her pain and remind her that she is one of YOUR chosen ones, Father. That she has been blessed in so many ways and that she can do so much for YOU, Father. Fill her cup with Joy for you, Lord. Grant her an abundant life. Remind her that you are ALWAYS there for her, that when anyone walks away from her, she is not alone, but has the greatest love surrounding her... more than anyone on earth could give her. It is hard, Father. Hard for her and I both. I ask in Christ name that you grant us mercy and strength, and bless us with Patience, Father. Let us not part with bitterness, but have the love of Christ in both of us, that we might share together a lesson and have it temper us, that we might not sin against you. Let us use this as a bond and testimony to the Power of the Holy Spirit to overcome the flesh, Father. Let us turn to eachother for encouragement as brothers and sisters in CHRIST, not as man to woman. Lord, I ask for so much when YOU have already given to me far more than I deserve. I know you are a loving and caring Father and will give us what we need. I pray that YOUR will be done and YOUR name Glorified, God. I ask for YOUR blessings in the name of CHRIST, Amen.

MadCzech 12:00 AM - [Link]
...

i beg you for a reprieve.
i am happy to suffer in your presence, your beauty, your radience, but i beg you unshackle me from my chains.
i grow weary, to quickly and i know i am weak.
cut out my tounge so i shant speak the words of the fool, casting myself from your favor.
my lady, grant me peace. remove the chains that bind my chest, allowing it to beat only with the strength of a babe. beckon me with your eyes, your smile, and your laugh no more.
let the words of love slip from your lips, breaking the chains and releasing me from this cell.
i beg thee say, sir, cast aside that which troubles you and reside in the safe haven of my arms, and i shall run to you.
let your beautiful lips caress mine then press to mine with the same passion of your heart and i shall never leave your side.
i will be here, my lady, awaiting your whim. should it strike your fancy i beg you end your fun, your jest, my tourture.
MadCzech 5:01 PM - [Link]
...

i wish that i could make you understand. i know that if i talk to you and tell you about it, it would scare you off. i mean it just doesn't make sense. i don't know why i feel like i do... how can i make you understand?? you would ask 'why?' and i wouldn't be able to answer.... think about it.


3 weeks and i believe i am in love with you. sheesh!!! what kinda guy could actually be in love in 3 weeks? it's not possible. i keep telling myself that.... i am not convinced yet. but still? who would want to get involved with *that* kinda guy?

what kinda guy isn?t concerned? doesn?t have a problem with this situation? i mean, sheesh!!! i am a married man! why wouldn?t i have some serious issues with this? I don?t know? couldn?t tell ya. issues at home make me feel justified, no.. i wouldn?t say that. i have no idea.

it isn?t that i don?t feel guilt! i took my Bible off the shelf yesterday. i put it in the car. i figure that if it is more visible, i am more apt to read it. it isn?t that i am *against* reading it, i just haven?t put it as a priority.

i actually went out and looked for a Bible study yesterday. i was looking for something on David. i figure he was a guy who had some issues i can identify with, what with that whole Bathsheba thing.

it isn?t that i don?t want to be a good guy? an upstanding Christian man? it is just i want to be with you.

i don?t like the idea of you going to Atlanta. when i think about you going, i feel like i can?t take a deep breath. my chest feels tight. it isn?t like we?ve never been apart before. heck, we spend more time apart talking that together? but usually it is me gone?? for work?. now it is you because you are running away from me?. I just am not comfortable with that.

you won?t call me while you are there. you won?t talk to me when you get back.


MadCzech 3:16 PM - [Link]
...

Okay... you can't do that anymore. You sat outside my office for a half hour. If you didn't have company, it wouldn't be so bad, but as is I can't even look at you without worrying that someone will notice my heart on my sleeve.

This really sucks. I want to hold you. When you don't pay attention to me, it just makes it worse! It makes me want to be more bold. I know that is the last thing you want.... who am I kidding... I have no idea what you want. Just when I think I know.... (sigh)
MadCzech 1:17 PM - [Link]
...

It is strange... I need to get you a mood ring. I never know from moment to moment what frame of mind you are going to be in. One minute I get the looks and then next you won't look at me.

I couldn't even catch your eye in the staff meeting today. I know that you are paying attention and being all professional (which is REALLY sexy, by the way) but I couldn't get a smile, or a lingering look, or anything out of you.

I guess that is for the best, right? It should be that way.... nothing happening at work... right? I know... It is probably better for me, too. I can't get anything done when my mind is just occupied with you. I don't think you fully understand how much you are on my mind.. in my thoughts.... maybe that is for the best too.

Thanks for the CDs. If I had candles, it would be complete.... except for you.


MadCzech 11:06 AM - [Link]
...

I am sorry to keep playing track 6. it makes me smile. looking back through this log, it looks like we are just spiraling down. Friday night was wonderful. I know it is hard for you, the guilt, but that is the only thing that tarnishes it in my mind. Feeling your breath on my neck, kissing your stomach, feeling your whole body respond to my touch... I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop thinking of all that happened.

The bad thing is I don't WANT to try being good. I don't want to be good at work. I don't really care! I want to come over again. I want to take you out. I want to stay over all night talking. I just don't have my heart in this 'being good' thing!

The only reason I don't go farther is your heart is so consumed with guilt. I don't like to see you cry. I feel manic, or bi-polar!! I am euphoric... it was like a dream kissing your breast... feeling you on top of me, your hair falling across your face... then as soon as I stepped to the door, you were 180 degrees out. That is the only thing that has kept me from pushing harder, further.

I really do feel like I am taking advantage of you. I am. It's not a feeling. I am not being cocky, it is just that I can usually get my way. I didn't know it still worked so well. You are what I want. I feel like you didn't have much say in the matter.

I am sorry for that.

I didn't tell you that I am fighting with her again. This weekend wasn't comfortable. I feel like it is just someone who shares my house with me... someone who SLEEPS in the same bed. I am so tired of fighting. I wish I did have the guts to do something. I have tried to fix it... tried to work it out..... it hasn't worked so far.
MadCzech 3:24 PM - [Link]
...

i am having the toughest time working. i am not sure why, really. i know in my head, but it is still so hard. i am gonna quit whining. it doesn't do me any good, even in my own private ramblings, to whine continually and to cry about how it hurts, or how hard it is. time to cowboy up.

you look really good today. i like the periwinkle better than the teal, though.

i wonder why you are going to atlanta? none of my business, i know, but i wonder if it is just to get away from me and from all this for a while. i thought about doing that, but traveling is when we did most of our talking so it doesn't do me any good to get away. i have been thinking of trying to hook up with some of my old kayaking buddies. the rivers are really high back in virginia and i am dying for that adrenalin rush. there is no way for your mind to wander when you are upside down in the middle of the rapids!

thanks for all the help today. you have to stop staring at me. what is it that you expect to see? are you looking for the pain on my face? are you hoping to meet my gaze? what is it that you are looking for???? I want to look back at you when you do that. when you look in my eyes, i want to kiss you, hold you again. i want to feel you near me, holding my hand, caressing my arm. you can't put me there anymore. you have to give me a chance to escape.
MadCzech 3:01 PM - [Link]
...

this is rough. last night you and i talked on the phone until 5 am. i got to hear that you missed me. you thought about me. you thought of me in ways that you are only saving for your future husband. i have been on cloud nine.

today you called your sister. you told her about us. i understand why you did this. i know that it was killing you inside. the thought of you getting involved with a married man. the guilt. the isolation.

when you txt msged me and told me you were calling your sister for advice, i almost said for you to tell her, but i didn't. i was weak and selfish. see, the thing is i knew what we were doing was morally wrong too, but it felt so good. it felt so good to have a connection with someone. someone who actually cared what i thought, how i felt, and wanted to know me. i was amazed that the someone was beautiful, funny, smart, sexy, caring, loving, giving, and a good person.

i think that i go after what i can't have on purpose. i am so attracted to who you are. i knew that you were a good girl. i knew that you had high moral standards. that is lacking in my life. all the more reason to be attracted to you.

i wish you wouldn?t have msged me after i asked you not to. it hurt to talk to you. i understood why you did what you did. i knew as well as you that it couldn?t go on. we were getting too deep. i was in love with you. it would have been easier if you just didn?t reply like i asked.

that call was hard for me. your crying tears me up inside. it was just proof that i had to leave you alone. i feel so guilty for driving you away from your friends and family, for making you cry. telling you i wasn?t mad was a lie. i was mad. mad at you for not loving me, being willing to let me go. i was mad at me for getting so close to you, for not letting you go sooner, for making you care for me. i was mad at everyone. it was true that everything will be okay? i just didn?t put a time frame around it. it will never be the same between you and i. i am sure i can fake it, but inside i will always love you, honey.

even know i stare at my phone, waiting for your message, hop on line, looking for you. wishing that you would call. i need to hear you, but i don?t think that you can take another ?false start? on our road to re-establishing boundaries. if i thought it would be okay, i would be talking to you, not writing you this letter you won?t see.

just so you know, she is going out of town for the weekend, so i will be here all alone. i was serious about dinner and a movie.

we are so compatible. the physical attention that we both love, our philosophies, our chemistry, even our ideas of outdoor activities. the list just went on and on.

i wish i would have met you before i got married. i know that we would have been perfect together.

i am so exhausted emotionally. it has been a freakin roller coaster ride. you push me away, you pull me near. don?t come over? don?t leave. don?t touch me, hold me. if i weren?t so physically tired, i would be out running for my sins. i want to just go out and run until i can?t run anymore.

you have a good family, honey. i am so glad they are there for you. i don?t have that. i came home after 3 days gone and go ?hi? as my only comment. no hug, no kiss, and certainly no i missed you. we watched tv in silence and then crawled into bed where we argued. i tried to avoid it. i try to be non-confrontational with her. it doesn?t work. i am so tired of this. i am so tired of not having a relationship where you actually want to talk with someone. i am tired of getting yelled at for being who i am.

i just wanted you to love me.

i am going to bed. i wish i was going to get on the phone with you. i wish that you were upstairs waiting for me to come to bed.

MadCzech 12:49 AM - [Link]
...

I am glad I got back into running... For a few miles, it is just me. Just trying to breath, to move, to make it. It is my form of penance. When I am tired, I just keep going. I run until my body is exhausted, until I don't think of you, or her, or S., or anything but my heart pounding in my throat.
MadCzech 4:42 PM - [Link]
...

You can't keep doing this to me. Don't you understand that I am trying to keep away for YOU? I want to talk to you. I really want to hold you, to share with you, but YOUR the one who can't deal with it. I can't deal with it not going farther!

I enjoyed the txt msgs last night. I really didn't think you would call.... I was pretty shocked, actually. For no contact, an hour on the phone is a little out of line.

Seeing you in the office today has been wonderfully excruciating. I don't understand how you can just go on like normal.

Are you just trying to find your comfort zone? Is it not over, but it is too far? I am almost glad that I am leaving tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen with that. I don't know if we are going to be on the phone from 10p to 5a like we did all last week, or if you won't talk at all. Perhaps you are the enigma...

I am wondering if you will still call when S. gets back to town. Am I a surrogate for him? I have no idea between what you feel and what you are supposed to feel.
MadCzech 3:20 PM - [Link]
...

This has been a hard day for me. I know we agreed it had to stop, but I just can’t turn it off. I needed to talk to you, to hear your voice, your emotion. We agreed no calls, no Text Msgs, no IMs… I sent you an email. Your reply made me think that I would have been better to follow the rules. It was so void of emotion. It was like something you would say to me at work when everyone was around us.

I know why we have to stop in my head… I know nothing can come of this. I hate the fact that I made you cry when I was with you, but it felt so right. That is the only reason I said we needed to stop, because I know that I am married and I can’t give you what I would so love to give you, all of me. The fact that you had to keep it a secret was a good indicator that it was something that we shouldn’t be doing.

I wish I could have told you about my life. Not that I am looking for pity, but it may have explained a lot. I was afraid if I told you too much about me, you would have run in fear. Coming from where I came from, I didn’t get shown a lot of love growing up. I have never had anyone to take care of me, or be concerned about me. Even she doesn’t seem to care… we are only together because of the kids. If it wasn’t for them, we would have been divorced a long time ago. I try to make her mad sometimes. I have heard that if someone will get mad, they care. That is the only indication that I have.

I wish I would have known you were out there. She cheated on me 4 times in the first 2 years. One was a friend and the rest were guys she met in bars. She actually lived with one of them while I was out to sea in the Navy. Each time I took her back. I don’t think about it too much any more. If I do, it is only a fact to help analyze myself. Why would I take someone back that cheated on me 4 times? Why would I put up with that? The only conclusion I have come to is that I am afraid of being alone. I honestly didn’t know there was someone like you out there.

If I hadn’t taken her back, would I be here? Would I work for this company? Would I have been standing there when you walked in the office for the first time, your beautiful black hair pulled back by the dark sunglasses on your head? Would I have had a chance to work with you, to have you pamper me? Would I have had the chance to talk to you hour after hour, to share my feelings with you, to learn your secrets, to be your friend? I don’t know. Catch 22.

I can’t help but day dream about you… still. I am Walter Mitty, only leading a normal life. Going to church with you, finding a house with you, holding you for hours, kissing you and your elegant neck, putting my keys on the table by the door.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I CAN do. During my run last night, all I could think about was being with you, not her. When I came over to see you, it felt SO right. I wanted to stay in your arms. I wanted to let myself take that next step and fall in love with you. I am so close… I spent all day checking my text indicator, looking for you online. I knew that you wouldn’t, though. I know you need me to go.

Is it selfish to want you to love me? Is it selfish to want to keep you, even though I already have committed myself to someone else? It started with physical attraction to you, but it is so much more. It keeps getting better and better for me, but harder and harder for you.

I hate this. I wish there was a way to make myself better so I could have you. I wish it was something like, “Quit smoking and I am yours!” or “I would love you with all my heart if only you… whatever.” But it isn’t. You can love me or not and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Would you still want me if I was divorced with two kids? I know you… you think it’s cheating to talk to me until 5 am because I am married…. I don’t think you could handle the guilt if you thought I left her because of you.

What the heck did we get ourselves into? Is this really the way out?


MadCzech 11:45 PM - [Link]
...

Test Post
System 11:43 PM - [Link]
...