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may 06, 2004

Today in History?

What happened on this day in Antiquity

After he had conquered the Crassyrians at the battle of Thermolining, Admiral Benbow sailed The Wine-Dark Sea northwards towards the Tunisian spa and golf resort known to the Ancient Scurvians as "Le Carthage".
It was here, on the Carthaginian beaches, on this day in 123BC, that Admiral Benbow communicated to his kinsman Athelstan the famous order: "Every Greco-Roman fantasy figurine souvenir shall do his duty, even if he must defeat a herd of elephant-riding Carthaginians armed only with a small garlic press."
And it is from Athelstan's reply to this message that we inherited the popular modern phrase, "You must be joking!"
And that was How The Irish Saved the Craic .. sorry, I mean Civilisation

Does anyone read these sorts of books?
stephenb 10:54 - [Link] - Comments ()
Today, a Guest Blog Posting from The Riddler

Riddle me this, readers of The Stephenhead: why are passengers traveling on Boston's public transportation system like the character "Number 2" in the hit sixties British T.V show The Prisoner?
... Give up?
Because like the character "Number 2" in the hit sixties British T.V show The Prisoner, passengers on Boston's public transportation system are always demanding, "Information. We want want information." ... and they don't get any!
stephenb 09:57 - [Link] - Comments ()
may 05, 2004
Doggerel de Stephenhead

Harken ye to the seismic flatulance of Sir Barnabas de Hupencoff
That plays merry hell with the equilibrium of Lord Rochester's monkey.
"So much for the Whisperin' Gallery!"
Says the long-legged melcancholy man in the doublet and ruff.
"Harken ye to the seismic flatulance of Sir Barnabas de Hupencoff."

stephenb 16:09 - [Link] - Comments ()
Letters To Anyone's Son by Guest Blogger Du Jour: Lord Chesterfield

It was requested that Margery "not now darling, your little Margy-Wargy is in a trance" Moonstone should use her considerable powers to contact Lord Chesterfield, and that his Lordship's departed soul might take advantage of the small, guest space provided here for remarks from famous personages long passed over to the Other Side.
Consequently, Margery "is that ectoplasm in your aura or are you just happy to see me" Moonstone sent Hiahedukkayshun, her Native America Indian spirit guide, to find Lord Chesterfield amongst the backgammon players who inhabit the Land of Shadows.
We were rather worried at first, wondering what the seismic reaction might be when the Wise Redskin met the Famous Blue-Blood, since Hiahedukkayshun is a bit of a prude and therefore not inclined to look well upon men who possess "the morals of a whore, and the manners of a dancing master", even if they are Peers of the Realm. So it was more a case of Bluestocking Redskin meets Red-blooded Blue-Blood in Hiahedukkayshun's eyes, if you follow me.
Anyway, despite the misgivings of her spirit guide, Margery "lets turn out the lights and everybody hold hands and sit in a circle on the bed" Moonstone was eventually able to coax the following Guest Blogger Posting from Lord Chesterfield:

"Oh alright then, just a quick one. Here goes, are you listening? Right, get ready, here it comes: My object is to have you fit to live; which, if you are not, I do not desire that you should live at all .... like I don't. I am dead and I don't see why you should bother to be alive either if you are going to behave like that."
stephenb 09:59 - [Link] - Comments ()
may 04, 2004
Welcome to the The Stephenhead Encyclopedia of Bald Men: You Searched for "Riding Stables in the Baltimore Area"

William Shakespeare was the balding husband of Anne Hathaway, the famous cottage-builder and shrew. Born in 1546 at Avon-under-Stratford, young Will was bald - as all babies usually are, even gorillas - and so the future playwright's early years provided no hint of the follicular difficulties he would face in later life.
Shakespeare's most famous work for the stage is undoubtedly, fuprife! - the Mechanifm of the ftage Trap-Door and How its Employment fhalt Benefit Divefe Dramatifts in Their Labours
Alas, the author's etching on the book jacket portrayed a bald author, and so sales of this great were spotty to say the least among the young ladies of the town who might normally buy that kind of book.
And that, my friends, is the bald truth about William Shakespeare.
Please join me again next week when I will present yet another inspiring biography of a bald man!
stephenb 17:31 - [Link] - Comments ()
Today's Guest Blogger From Beyond the Grave: Samuel Pepys

What? Who disturbs my rest? Oh, have I not written enough already!
Leave me alone you ridiculous little man.

stephenb 14:18 - [Link] - Comments ()
may 03, 2004
Another Guest Blogger

Margery Moonstone - my gypsy finery-clad, dangly ear-ringed spiritualist advisor - has just emailed me from her colorful caravan with yet more great opinions from those cool, disembodied Pundits on the Other Side. So here are a few words of wisdom from this afternoon's Guest Blogger, the one and only Emperor Tiberius.

The Emperor Tiberius Writes:

Hello people. As you probably know, we ancient Romans were even more neurotic than you guys are today. I personally would consult the entrails of a ritually sacrificed chicken every morning before deciding what sandals to wear with which toga - if I could be bothered to get out of my bath that is!!
Yes. we ancient Romans were certainly neurotic ... very much like you folks today. But unlike you, we weren't dysfunctional.
People often ask me, "Your Godship" they say, "How did you Ancient Roman dudes manage to build such a huge empire when you couldn't even be bothered to get out of your baths most of the time?"
"Man, I'm telling you," I say "How we got such a great big spanking empire without getting out of our baths is like this: we got Other People to do the traveling and fighting for us, man. Like ...duh."
And that is where you American chaps have gone wrong with the empire you are currently trying to build. It's really quite simple: having defeated the Germans and Japanese in 1945, THEY should be doing the fighting for America now .. while you relax in the sauna with a Vestal Virgin on each arm and a mouthful of grapes.

stephenb 16:26 - [Link] - Comments ()
Special Guest star

It has been drawn to my attention that the hip, cool trend for people like myself who keep online journals is to invite a "guest blogger" to occasionally improve the site in question with their fresh opinions. Since I have always perched proudly on the cutting edge of fashion, I have also invited a guest blogger to add his thoughts to this humble website.
So. Welcome to The Stephenhead ...Winston Churchill!
Winston's thoughts have been kindly channelled from the Other Side by psychic Miss Margery Moonstone, a lovely lady in gypsy dress that I met at a tarot reading last week while trying to contact my great-grandmother who passed on many years ago. So I still may not know where the money is hidden but at least I have the best guest blogger on the web.
Oddly, it seems Winston would like to be known as "Debbie", a seven-year-old girl from Ontario who died in a freak paint-by-numbers accident. Nevertheless, I am sure that whatever Winston-Debbie has to say will be very interesting.

Winston's Guest Paragraph:

It was with great kindness and tact ... that Mr Stephenhead ... invited me.... to contribute ....what small particles of knowledge I may have gleaned ... from the vast number of years I have spent ... contemplating my place within this noble structure known to many as the afterlife.
For I am speaking to you now ... as my honorable friend Neville Chamberlain would say ...from the Other Side. It is a place ... singularly lacking in cigars.... it is bereft of brandy... it has nothing to offer but endless games of backgammon played with Edward Gibbon and his foolish friend ....Voltaire.
Nevertheless ... it is with a sure foot ... and a stout heart that today ... I address you ...the great people of the combined Blogosphere.
And I ask you with good conscience ... to point ...what I am reliably informed you call your browsers the Winston Churchill Center .... and tell them Debbie sent you.
stephenb 09:48 - [Link] - Comments ()