so, i'm SUPPOSED to be at the hong kong resource centre doing research for my upcoming paper.

so what the hell am i doing here at the trinity university library?

taking a study break BEFORE actually studing, of course!! i have to ease my way into such a mind-numbing activity, and what better way to do so, right? plus, i had to check my mail, and respond to a few letters as well, because apparently, these days i so damn popular.

be aware that 'popular' is synonymous with conceited, big-headed, pompus, jerkass-like, etc. etc. you get the general idea, right?

anyways, as i mentioned, i had that dreaded hong kong history midterm yesterday. let's just say that i'm planning to stick with japanese history. the names are a bit easier to remember. heheh. . .

there's not a lot going on in my life as of late. i'm a bore, remember? study (sort of), reading, library. that's pretty much it. i have no life whatsoever. plus, i'm slowing weening myself away from the wide world of the monitor and reintegrating myself, albeit slowly, into the 3D world that most people live in. it's scary out there!! har har har. . .

in other news: i now have an incentive to go to hong kong history. aside from the fact that it's only a half-credit course, and that if i miss a class, i'm going to be behind for the remainder of the course, there's also a cute guy that always sits in the same row that i do. and i got a smile yesterday too. hot dayum, i'm FINE!! hahah. . .

now it's just a matter of getting the boy's name, and all systems go.

when the hell did i become so shallow?!? lol. . .

bernadette walked against the wind at... 3:14 PM - [Link]

run away with your children now. do it!! don't say that i didn't warn you.

seeing how i'm about the biggest procrastinator in the universe (i've got a book to help me curb that), here's a pic that i've been meaning to post for a while now. better late than never, right?



clockwise from left: zen, me, christine, lara

bernadette walked against the wind at... 9:39 PM - [Link]

because teh's so damn creative, and i'm not, i'm offering you this, stolen from his site. so here we go (because we all know that i can't get enough of these things, right?). . .

LAYER ONE :
Name: bernadette
Birth date: 26 june
Birthplace: toronto, ONT
Current Location: toronto, ONT
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: supposed to be black, but right now turning brownish
Height: 5'3 (and apparently, forever condemned to be this height)
Righty or Lefty: both. it depends on how i'm feeling, but i'm right handed for the most part
Zodiac Sign: cancer

LAYER TWO :
Your heritage: flip, though i think that in past lives i have been japanese and irish
The shoes you wore today: one star converse sandals (black)
Your weakness: at this very moment, a snapple fire
Your fears: not graduating on time, the crazies at work
Your perfect pizza: cheese, cheese, and more cheese. plus pineapple
Goal you'd like to achieve: making it to carnagie hall, front a band

LAYER THREE :
Your most overused phrase on IM: none, cause i don't have it. but any short phrase, heheh
Your thoughts first waking up: depends. on mondays and wednesdays, 'oh yeah!'. tuesdays and thursdays start off with a profanity of the four-letter variety
Your best physical feature: i dunno. . .my eyes? apparently they're expressive
Your most missed memory: taking those trips down to florida in two days (yes, it's possible, INCLUDING stopovers); the days where i was able to do nothing but sit outside and read non-school reltated materials.

LAYER FOUR :
Pepsi or Coke: neither, but i'd rather pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: netiher, but mcdonald's has some pretty good salads these days. . .
Single or group dates: single. how else do you REALLY get to know a person?
Adidas or Nike: asics (sp?) or new balance.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: either or. it's tea dammit!!
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla. i'm not the biggest fan of chocolate.
Cappuccino or coffee: see answer to tea, except change it to coffee!! (and i'm NOT an addict, dammit!!)

LAYER FIVE :
Smoke: eww. . .if you want to pollute your lungs, go right ahead. plus, i have asthma.
Cuss: are fucking SERIOUS?!? when don't i swear? it's a great pasttime, and i think that america should change it from baseball to said activity.
Sing: yep. any and every chance that i get. i'm in three choirs now. i'm a singing whore.
Take a shower everyday: yep. because i hear that bathing's the 'in' thing these days. i could be mistaken though. if i am, please let me know.
Do you think you've been in love: sure, haven't we all?
Want to go to college: i'm STILL in college dammit.
Like(d) high school: no. i hate it, and i think that it was the biggest waste of a good chunk of my formative teenage years. plus i don't feel as if i really learned (academically, that is) that i couldn't have learned on my own. but i was good at putting on a facade though. if only people REALLY knew what i thought. . .
Want to get married: of course i do. i'm going to be one of those people that has a million kids, living in suburbia with a dog and cat that can coexist, two fish, and a white picket fence, driving a volvo or mini van. i'm gonna be a soccer mom!! lol. . .
Believe in yourself: at this very moment, no. i'm not too sure how i did on my hong kong history midterm.
Get motion sickness: when i was 9, it was REALLY bad. i dunno how i made it down to florida on those road trips.
Think you're attractive: damn straight. i'm tha shizz, yo. hahah. . .
Think you're a health freak: right now, i'm on a quest to be a health freak. but i'm not. case in point: i did an AM workout, and felt great. then i went and ate a piece of marble cake. nuff said.
Get along with your parent(s): yeah. me mam and i are freakishly linked.
Like thunderstorms: yeah. there's something really sexy about them. . .
Play an instrument: of course. i am said musical whore. piano now for almost 18 years, sax for about 9, violin for about 5 or 6, and then there are the self taught ones (flute, tin whistle, clarinet, trumpet). i'm learning the drums now though. ;)

LAYER SIX :
In the past month...
Drank alcohol: do i really have to answer this? i'm the champino pisser in the world!! hahah. . .
Smoked: [smoking] is for suckers, and I'M no sucker!!
Done a drug: no, because i'm a member of the dare class of 1992-93.
Made Out: not really, per se. . .
Gone on a date: as per MY definition of a date, no. but there have been 'group' dates. . .
Gone to the mall: ugh. . .i despise and detest the mall. that's where all the high people hang out. phooey.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: not an entire box of oreos, but i did get a package the other day when i donated blood.
Eaten sushi: this is a stupid question to ask me. when DON'T i get sushi? it's another one of my pasttimes.
Been on stage: yep, and proud of it!! *go community theatre*
Been dumped: nope. it's hard to be dumped when you don't have anyone to dump you (not that this is necessarily a bad thing, of course)
Gone skating: rink? no. blading? yep. this AM in fact.
Made homemade cookies: baking?!?! what do i look like? donna reed?!?!? heheh. . .
Gone skinny dipping: in this polluted mess that we call a lake? no, not me!!
Dyed your hair: yep.. oddly enough, i dyed it back to black. but now it's turning brown again.
Stolen anything: what do YOU think? i could be a klepto, for all you know!!
You sound boring: you're a fucker. your point being?

LAYER SEVEN :
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope. too self-conscious. plus i gather that one can get pretty damn cold, and as i am of tropical country heritage living up north. . .
If so, was it mixed company: this doesn't apply to me, does it?
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: are you KIDDING me? but i haven't been for a while, seeing how that was the mentality i had about drinking when i was 14
Been caught "doing something": hmm. . .i can honestly say no. well, i guess it depends on what your definition of 'doing something' is. . .
Been called a tease: yes. but i don't perceive myself that way, nor do i consciously do it either. . .
Gotten beaten up: nah. people know better than to mess with me. *go black belt*
Shoplifted: i once swiped a roll of cherry life savers when i was six from the corner store. i also once tore out a magazine article from the library. . .
Changed who you were to fit in: sort of. i 'presented' myself in high school very differently from who i was back in elementary school, but i think that it worked to my advantage (i was PAINFULLY shy as a kid, though you wouldn't think it now)

LAYER EIGHT :
Age you hope to be married: well, there's a slight glich with this. i need to FIND a dude first, in order for me to get married!! any takers? heheh. . .
Numbers and Names of Children: i don't have any kids. i think that my mom would kill me, disown me, and throw me out of the house if it were the case at this point in my life
Describe your Dream Wedding: i don't know. why do these things ALWAYS ask this (or a similar question)?
How do you want to die: doing something that i love doing. free falling? i'm just kidding. . .i dunno.
Where you want to go to college: i go to u of toronto right now. but i'm not planning to do grad studies (IF i decide to) here. i want to go to sussex.
What do you want to be when you grow up: i'll tell you when i've decided.
What country would you most like to visit: i've already visited the countries that i love most (namely japan and ireland), but i want to go to fiji or south africa.

LAYER NINE : cookies-and-creme, oreo-filled parfait. i dunno. . .i'm hungry right now, and i have to go and get me some LUNCH!!!

LAYER TEN :
Number of drugs taken illegally: in my raver days, i wasn't a hardcore druggie or anything, but i did experiment. i let dave do all the drugs for the both of us. as for the number. . .4
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3
Number of CDs that I own: too many to count/for my own good
Number of piercings: 15. . .so i guess that means that i have to update the sidebar again. dammit!!
Number of tattoos: 1
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: personally? i dunno. . .do high school newpaper by-lines count? a few times for track, rugby, and field hockey in high school.
Number of scars on my body: too many to count.
Number of things in my past that I regret: i wouldn't say regret, per se. i don't believe in regrets. would i have done something differently had i known the consequences of my actions? possibly. but then again, i wouldn't be the fabulous person that you know me to be today!! heheh. . .

bernadette walked against the wind at... 1:12 PM - [Link]

well, for me at any rate.

people were probably thinking that i really did curl up into a fetal position, listen to emo, and cried in the darkest hole of the earth's centre.

but the truth of the matter is that since all this whole net-shit has gone down, i've been reluctant to really post anything, simply because i think that it'll be taken out of context, and then people'll start to bitch me out again.

and did i mention that i've actually decided to do readings *GASP* and be a *ahem* dedicated student?

well, we all know that this is going to be coming to an end sometime in the near future, right? heheh. . .

actually, school's going okay for the most part. i mean, i only started a little over two weeks ago, so it would be kinda hard for me to not be doing that well, right? AND (get this), i've actually started the researching process for my two papers!! well, i've looked at some book for HK history (because the books can't circulate from the resource centre), and i've checked out some books for can. rel. on (you've guessed it) japan-canadian relations during the period 1866-1922.

hey, don't ask me. i didn't choose the dates, dammit.

but all research will be conducted after the HK history midterm, which is tomorrow. am i worried? you bet your ass i am. i mean, i don't really know anything about HK in the first place, and all the names are the same (to me), and there are differences between romanised names and traditional names.

i'm in a general state of confusion, is all.

so yeah. that's that.

in other news: well, there's not really any other news, but i'll give a general recap of the *almost* week past. . .

friday: nothing. i stayed home, and basically fumed. and cursed. and swore. oh wait. . .i do that on a regular basis, though.
saturday: work-worked. it was a good day to do that, and we actually made budget. i'm still in a state of shock, because we've made budget quite a number of times. in fact, on the weekly reports that every store gets, we were on the cover. i'll bet they'll expect us to be productive or something. geez. . .
sunday: worked. again. basically, i've been reduced to working on weekends, which i really don't mind, because i'm only in two days a week. it's just too bad that they have to be 2 of the 3 days that i happen to have off on a given week. that's okay. *go blocks of time*
monday: school
tuesday: see monday
wednesday: refer to tuesday

and studying. phooey.

so, how's everyone else been?

in addition: i was coming home from lecture tonight, and who should i happen to run into?

MATT JOHNS!! and i didn't even recognise him!! i mean, i did a double take, which he took notice of (for a minute i thought it was dave). damn. . .he sure has changed since i saw him last (for one thing, his hair's now our favourite asian faction orange. plus it's extremely long. for him at any rate). we had a good conversation on the way home.

so, erm, yeah. that's all from me!! now to study. . .

bernadette walked against the wind at... 3:31 PM - [Link]

but not strong enough for me.

can you tell that i'm in a bad mood? cause i am. i REALLY am.

i dunno. . .i know that i really shouldn't let little things bother me all that much, but sometimes, something's gotta give. and for the past couple of days, i've just been mad.

i hate certain aspects of school, i hate being in toronto, i hate the fact that i'm not as outgoing as i'd like to be, and i hate the fact that most of my close friends have gone on to better things (well, at the very least, the majority of them have managed to get out of scarborough). now i'm happy for them as much as the next person, and i hate feeling the way that i do, and i want to stop, but for some reason, i can't.

i'm tired of not being able to share how i feel with my friends, and i'm tired of putting on a facade every time i go out, or have to go to work. i wish that there were more people that i knew in my classes, so that i wouldn't have to sit all by myself.

i'm tired of feeling sick all the time. i'm tired of all the petty bullshit. i'm just TIRED.

i'm in need of a good cry, and a hug.

did i mention that the whole pathetic fallacy thing isn't helping my spirits much either?

i think that i'll go for a skate or something.

i'm in a crabby mood, i know it. maybe later, i'll listen to some emo, curl up into that now-infamous fetal position, suck my thumb, and cry in the dark..

bernadette walked against the wind at... 7:38 PM - [Link]

the emergence of monosyllabic chick from a not-so-lengthy hiatus.

so, i'm sitting in can.rel., and who should sit right in front of me? mat flanigan, who i used to play rugby with and was on student council with as well. we talk for a bit, just making sone friendly chit-chat and everything, because i haven't really talked to the guy since OAC, but he's always been really nice to me, so. . .

yep.

anyways, visa bill finally came in. it's not looking too pretty. so, i have to pay all this shit off, and i'll be good to go. THEN i can start to save up for cali, marquette, and calgary. actually, i'm not too sure about going to marquette. it sounds pretty boony, and if it was anything like bay city (where NOTHING was within walking distance), then i dunno.

plus there's the travelling by myself. on a bus, without a doubt.

dammit. the things i go through for my short track fix. *rolls eyes* actually, i don't mind. i don't mind at all. i never realised just how fun being a spectator is.

however, if i'm going to be taking notes, i'm going to have to go by myself. going with other people does not make for good note taking.

in other news: i've discovered that my spelling is absolutely attrocious!! i mean, DAMN. yeah, you can tell that i haven't yet discovered the joys of spellcheck yet, can't you?

ah well. . .i'd like to think that people don't love me for my spelling, but for my BRAIN!! lol. . .

only three more months and counting. . .

bernadette walked against the wind at... 11:40 PM - [Link]

yeah, cause even though i've been up for well over 20 hours, i see no sleep in sight.

i have a training blog, for the lack of training i do for rugby. and as i was writing, a thought occured to me.

now, i was a dancer for 10 years. which is a lot of years by many accounts. what most people don't know is that i once auditioned to be part of the national ballet school when i was younger, and actually made it. however, i decided not to go, because i wanted to stay at home, and have a 'regular' life. i don't think thati would've been mentally prepared, or emotionally mature for the rigours of constant dance, especially considering the fact that dance wasn't the only thing that i was involved in.

the decision not to go was not one i've ever regretted. nor do i believe that my life might've been better or worse had i gone. this is also something that i've never really told anyone else. whose business is it anyways?

but one thing that i do wish i hadn't done was give up dance almost completely. now, 10 years is a lot of years. but then, consider the fact that i was 14 when i stopped. yep. . .so had i continued with dance to the present day, i would've been dancing for damn near 17 years.

what made me think of this, you ask?

the fact that i don't feel like i have the passion for anything in particular in life anymore. no, i'm hoping that this isn't starting to sound like a 'woe is me' blog or anything. but i miss having the passion to do something. . .something that i love, enjoy, and have a moderate amount of success at. i haven't felt passion for anything like that since, and i miss it. i miss it, and i want it back.

which is why, after the summer session is over, i'm going to be finding a studio to dance in. i want to have that same feeling that i had before. . .doing something that was meaningful to me, and that allowed me to be. . .free? creative?

man, i'm tapping into EVERY cliche known to man!! DAMN, i'm sucj a suck!! lol. . .

let's see if i can get to sleep now. otherwise it's back to reading about the history of hong kong. *NOOOO*

bernadette walked against the wind at... 12:38 AM - [Link]

a somewhat 'new' blog. still the same template and everything, of course. after all the trouble that teh went through for me. it would be insulting NOT to keep it!! =)

but for certain reasons that i'll disclose to you later, i felt the need to change the blog addy again.

actually, since this IS the new blog and everything, i think that i'll just disclose some of the gory details to you now.

now, i was, and never will be, one of those people that has the millions of friends. why? because for all my loud and roudy behaviour that gives off the illusion of my carefree-ness and giddyness, i'm actually quite a quiet person. i don't tend to tell every single intimate detail of my life to people that i don't really know. and i'm also shy (i can ehar some of you laughing as you read this, i know it!!). i won't usually talk to people first unless needs be (which, i'm sure, some people can say is contrary to their first impressions of me).

and i'm actually quite insecure. everything i do or say essentially is only what i allow you to know about me. not that i have anything to hide, of course, because i'm also quite a boring person. however, i get hurt easily when i find out that people who i thought were good friends turn out not to be not quite as good friends as i'd thought.

it just pisses me right off that people can just so easily blame, yet not take any of the responsibility upon themselves. i know that i've made some mistakes in the past regarding certain friendships, and though i know that some of them will never be the same (or at least back to the way that they used to be), i don't deny the fact that some of the responsibility lies on my part. however, it takes two to tango, and to just blame me explicitly for ALL the bad things that have happened in the past is not only unfair, but pretentious and condescending.

also, the real reason why i decided to get a blog wasn't so that people i know, who live near me or relatively close, could read it. actually, i'd rather they not, simply because i either see or could talk to these people regularly. i did this for my friends in florida, most of whom i haven't seen in almost 11 years, yet still keep in contact with. it's just easier and cheaper that phoning (especially when, like me, you have the uncanny ability to talk on the phone for hours on end).

WHEW!! that was a lot to say!!

but after all that, i'm happy to say i'm in a good mood. today's HK history lecture wasn't too boring, and i actually got a lot of the stuff that the professor was talking about in the lecture. i've also come up with an idea for the term paper (which i plan to start by the end of the week. the lazy student of the past is no more!!) so, i'm pretty happy about that.

but i must start doing the readings for can. rel. technically, i'm not behind or anything, because the readings are for the tutorials that we HAVEN'T started yet (they don't start until next week). but i'd like to be ahead.

gah. . .i sould as if though i'm back in the 6th grade all over again.

speaking of the 6th grade, i found my madonna 'erotica' cd. no, not because i'm particularly horny or anything like that (nor was i in the 6th grade, so get your minds outta the gitter, dammit!!), but as today's been raining for the most part, the tenth track, appropriately titled 'rain' felt like the proper song to be listening to.

meh. . .it's one of those semi-phooey days.

bernadette walked against the wind at... 9:38 PM - [Link]