and saying, 'there's no place like home.'

i'm FINALLY home for the long haul.

well, at least until cleveland. or possibly 13-16 nov. for canadian team trials.

what can i say? marquette was FUCKIN' A. without a doubt the best comp i've been to as of yet. not that i've been to too many comps or anything (if you include last year's can-am, then this makes five. if not, then it's only four).

of course, we all know that i'll be broke for the rest of the year, but who cares? it was THAT good.

i was fortunate enough to meet corin and torrie of world short track fame. they were generous enough to get me a media pass that allowed me to run in and out of the press room, get official times, schedules, blah blah blah. this was, of course, in exchange for my note taking abilities.

who'da thunk that all these years of academia would actually get me anywhere? har har har.

not to mention that i was also lucky enough to meet up with a number of people that were also in calgary again, as well as those who decided to skip out on alberta and just went to marquette.

again, like with calgary, i'm not going to be able to sit down and write my *memoirs* or anything...yet. we all know that when i have two papers due the next day, i'll find some way to put writing them and write about the comps instead. but, like with calgary, i want to leave you with a few *highlights* of the event (at least, according to me)...

-the best way to wake up two hellass tired girls who are making their way up to the fifth floor of the holiday inn marquette is to get some guy wearing his tightass boxer-briefs to walk in front of you.

-the best way to get exercise when you know you're not going to be working out in a gym for a week is to make sure that you're sitting diagonally across from the media room. i was sitting in the club seating area (which i really wasn't allowed to be doing, by the way) right near the boards. the media room was not only diagonally across, but also on the ground floor. i had to haul some SERIOUS ass, running up stairs, knocking down little shits who were in my way, and running down more stairs to get to the media room, wait for the sheets, and then doing it all over again. 'scurry, scurry.'

-one day, i'm going to make sure that they have a world cup in australia or new zealand. the skaters are just SO awesome!! well, except for one, who kinda freaked me out, and i think that most people who were there will agree with me, but then again, i digress. again.

-being a media person is really kewl. that's when you get to meet other media personalities. i was lucky enough to meet jerry search of socal speed skating association fame, aka that-really-awesome-photo-guy-who-takes-all-those-good-pics. i was even in several pics that he took of some of the media peeps. damn...i'm famous, dude!! LOL

-even though i'm not too familiar with the laws in the states or anything, i think that i can say with a fair degree of certainty that stalking is illegal. this may not be the case for all states, but i just think that it's common sense. any other people wanna disagree?

-going to banquets are for suckers. the best is the AFTERPARTY. those were some good times, yo. i mean, after 9 jack and cokes, how can you NOT have fun, huh? (but note: this should not be done for those who are faint of heart, or even those who get buzzed after one beer. because that would suck, not only for you having to break in the porcelain all night, but for those unfortunate souls that have to hold your hair back for you as you do so).

-in case i didn't mention it before, denise is, without a doubt, one of the kindest souls i've ever had the fortune of meeting. =) thanks for driving me around. it saved me the trouble of hitch-hiking.

-gotta give it up for the canadian skaters who kicked some serious ass. not only are they great skaters (and i'm not saying this because i'm canadian too), but they really know how to party it up (well, at least the guys do). so sweet!!

-ass. that's all i have to say on that front. har har har (waitaminute...isn't that like an oxymoron? 'ass...front'? i dunno. your call).

in other news: because i was away for so long, as tried as best as i could to prevent it from happening, i'm unfortunately behind in some courses. so i think that i'm just going to blog once a week instead of trying to fit in everything, every day.

it just makes life easier.

plus, you don't have to worry about my updating (or lack of, as it seems to be more and more often the case these days). a lot of people are on my ass about it. all i have to say is =P. sucks to be you, huh?

in even further news: i got these temp. tatts in marquette, in the media room. they're cute and everything, but NOTHING is getting them off!! well, actually, that's not entirely true. baby oil or rubbing alcohol can, but unfortunately, i can't find either at my house!!

so basically, i'm stuck with an american flag 'world cup' tattoo on my right hand, and a 'skate fast turn left' tattoo on my left one.

i look and feel about five years old.

and just to sum it up: did i mention that i heart my bed?

no?

well i do. i really do. *hugs*

bernadette walked against the wind at... 6:21 PM - [Link]

is this thing on?

*cough cough*

ahem.

yep. yep it does.

i forgot for a bit that i actually had a blog!! and, contrary to what i originally thought, i actually made it for 6 days without having to check or turn on a comp.

i'm quite proud of myself, thanks.

calgary was FUCKIN' A. but i'm not going to be writing about the whole thing quite yet. i've got a presentation to prepare for thursday that i haven't quite finished.

oh, who the hell am i kidding? i still have yet to start it.

but i've done the reading for it, so i'm not too worried. at least, i don't think so.

and for my critics that may think that all i did this weekend was chase around hot guys in tightass skinsuits, you'll be sadly disappointed that for the most part, i actually did some work between the races. you can check with damn near anyone. they'll tell you that i actually brought some photocopied stuff with me to hilight during downtime.

oh, and that i sat outside the oval at a random picnic table, saw the man of many girls' fantasies, and made a damn near ass outta myself.

did i mention that i made an ass outta myself in front of yuki? well, not so much of an ass, but bad enough such that the rest of the night, i went around complaining that i wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

but again, i'm not going to go into any details. that'll have to wait until after mqt.

and speaking of mqt, i'm leaving in TWO days.

i don't think that i really live at home anymore.

except for laundry day. but i digress.

in other news: on my way to calgary, both my bags were small enough to fit in the overhead compartment.

unfortunately that wasn't the case when i flew back home yesterday. so i had to check my suitcase in. and i didn't give it another thought on the way home, or when i chugged my shit to chorus practise.

that was until i opened my case to throw my stuff into the wash, and realised that i had packed my shower gel in said case.

that was also when i noticed that half of my shit was covered in alpine mint shower gel.

fuck, man.

but never fear. i went and bought some new pants today. so i won't go around smelling like mint and/or sticky. though i'm sure that i'd probably make a great impression on people that i haven't met yet.

in even further news: even though i said that i wouldn't write about the comp yet, there were a few things that i wanted to share with you about the overall experience...

-when you're used to sleeping on a twin sized bed/couch, a king sized bed is quite luxurious. so learn to use it wisely when given the opportunity, my friend. cause it's damnhellass NICE.

-kimo is one hell of a funny dude. seriously, within five minutes of my ever meeting him, he told me of his life, busted out the rhymes, and had me laughing so many times that i'm pretty sure that people must've thought that i was a raging lunatic freshly outta the nut house.

-sarah and kristin are two of the funniest and nicest californian people that i've ever met. not that i have much experience meeting californians or anything like that. but seriously, they are the best people to get lost in a ridiculously confusing city with. 'fuck that shit, bitch!!'

-tantra is an okay club. unfortunately, the stairs aren't that great. i'm not the only one that managed to fall down the stairs. but i'm not at liberty to say who else fell. just know that i wasn't the only one, and that i wasn't drunk either.

-skater ass is a fine specimen. especially when you can catch a piece of ass underneath the suit. i'll leave it to your imagination as to which skater i'm referring to.

-tasha is one of the kewlest people ever. she bought me hilighters so that i could do my readings, and she's offered to get me a copy of apolo's book. you got moxy, girl!!

and just to sum it up: TWO DAYS.

FUCK!!

bernadette walked against the wind at... 8:24 PM - [Link]

yep.

instead of doing homework, like i should be doing considering the fact that i'm losing two weekends on account of my crazy sporting addiction, i'm not actually doing anything productive with my time. here i am, at the house, sitting in front of a computer screen, with my books within reading range, and i'm not actually doing ANY reading.

i figure that's what i have the 5 hour plane ride for.

i did, however, manage to photocopy massive chapters of text books so that i don't have to lug a 500 lb. backpack around with me everywhere i go.

so now i have to lug around 23 lbs. worth of paper. so, that's about 1/189 of a tree.

yep. university students...depleting our natural resources one term paper/midterm/photocopied article at a time.

in other news: i'm leaving for calgary TOMORROW. i'm not even close to being packed yet. i'm just lucky that it's a domestice flight, otherwise i'd probably be in some really deep shit right now. and that would most unfortunate.

and i'm pretty damn fucking TIRED...i've been up since 5:30 this morning. i'm also quite sore. i was up for a football game, which i don't even know the outcome to, because i had to leave early, get showered and ready for work at 9. for a lousy FOUR hours.

but i couldn't say no to selma. not only is she the manager that i have to report to, but she's probably my favourite one. she's really kewl with letting me pull returns, and scheduling me hours that don't ocnflict with my school schedule, and the whole bit. so when she asked me to work, even for a few hours, i was like, fine.

not that i would have gotten any real studying done anyway, but you know what i mean.

in even further news: in more calgary-related news, i need to go and get a notebook. i mean, how else am i going to take those damn notes without one? i can't very well write on my arm or anything.

i really should go and do that tomorrow morning.

but watch. i'll forget.

actually, no. no i won't. i'll make sure of that.

so expect not just one, but TWO reports on the comp, both of epic proportions.

and just to sum it up: well, there's not that much to be said.

calgary and booze, here i come!!

bernadette walked against the wind at... 8:34 PM - [Link]

yep. i have way too much crap to do.

am i even done half of it?

of course not. that would be productive, and we all know that i don't believe in productivity. cause that would imply that i'm prepared for things, and we also all know that i like to torture myself and put myself under pressure.

maybe one day y'all will get to see my head explode. that would be something, huh?

anyway, i'm supposed to be writing/typing my primary source document that's due on tuesday. i THOUGHT that i knew what i wanted to focus on, but now i'm not too sure. i keep getting my main arguments all integrated into each other, which kinda defeats the overall purpose of the assignment.

and i'm pretty sure that it's going to be well over the 5 page max. that we've been given. i haven't written a 5 page ANYTHING since the 10th grade. this is going to be a lot harder than i thought.

did i mention that i'm also watching the hit list on ytv?

yeah, my life's sunken to new lows. kelly osbourne, kelly clarkson, yada yada yada.

hence so much shit, so little time.

in other news: i forgot to mention that on thursday, forever to be known as freakout day, we had thanksgiving dinner at the house.

it was a lot of fun, but i was SO full. i don't think that my stomach's used to real food. for the past little while, i had been eating nothing but soup, crackers, and coffee. so to sit down and have a home-cooked meal was nice.

we're going to have a family dinner sometime next week as well. when i mean 'family,' i mean in terms of within the house. see, when you're a pledge, you have a 'sister-mother' who's an iniciated member of the house, and you're paired up together so that she can sort of teach you the ropes of the whole sorority bit. my mummy is chrissy. probably because we're both from scarborough and make fun of/defend it. plus, we have the biggest 'family' in the house. we have four or five active members who are part of our family. i'm actually a great-aunt.

don't ask me how it works. i don't exactly get it either!!

in even further news: the calgary and marquette world cups are almost HERE!!

i'm pretty excited.

i like taking notes for things that i actually like taking notes for. unlike enlightenment europe these days. but i'm not going to talk about that.

i can't believe just how fast it's coming. i mean, i'm leaving on THURSDAY. that's, like, four days away. shee-it. but on the upside, unlike my psat treks, i've planned somewhat well in advanced (at least as advanced as i get *i heart procrastination*). i've actually packed *some* clothes, my toiletries, and readings for the plane ride, and i've got my tickets for the event. hopefully, i won't get crappy seats.

but i probably will. i only bought them sometime a couple of weeks ago.

i have still yet to let our sister chapter know that i'm coming. i can't wait to meet them. i also wanna buy some alpha gam crap, dammit. i've already informed my tita that i'm going to be there, so i think that she's going to be picking me up from the airport.

i dunno even know yet. phooey.

but i'm going to be there!!

but in all honesty, i'm probably even more excited to be going to marquette than i am about calgary. don't get me wrong, because i'm pretty ecstatic about both, but there are going to be more people to meet in marquette that i haven't met yet. we also have a sister chapter there.

the only thing that i'm worried about is the flight and getting my passport. i have to pick it up the day that i'm flying out, and if they don't have it prepared for me, well. . .

heads are gonna roll.

just to sum it up: it's turkey day here in canada tomorrow. so i hope that everyone has a great thanksgiving/columbus day.

i, on the other hand, will be putting in my 8 hours tomorrow at work.

i suppose it's okay, considering that i didn't have to work today, nor am i going to be working at all next week.

ah feck all.

bernadette walked against the wind at... 11:09 PM - [Link]

today was the day to let go.

of all the fears, the anxieties, the worries, and concerns. to relieve myself of things that i can't control, of the things that i couldn't have prevented.

today was the day that i decided to not keep certain feelings bottled up, and to just cry my heart out. and that's what i did.

i really do hate crying on front of other people. to me (and i'm pretty sure that i've said this before), it seems like a sign of weakness. weakness on my part, that is. but i've been TIRED...not the tired that i usually make a point of bitching about on a somewhat daily basis, but tired of all the emotional rubbish that seems to comprise the better part of my life these days.

i hate crying in front of my friends too. whenever i see one of my friends cry, i hate it. or rather, i hate the feeling of helplessness that overcomes me. you know that there isn't too much that you can say or do to make the person feel better, and even though you know that the person is listening to what you're saying, and hopefully finding some truth in what you have to say, at the same time you also know that it must be so hard for your friend to put what you're saying into perspective, at THAT given moment in time. in retrospect, any words of advice are like that.

but today, i couldn't keep it in anymore. i was doing a lot of thinking. and i hate doing a lot of thinking, because my mind tends to wander off into the realm of 'what if...'s. these eventually turn into the self-doubts, which force me to question anything and damn near everything that i've ever done in my life, which in turn lead back to the 'what if...'s.

i'm not one to have many regrets. i really don't believe in regrets, because it implies that if given a second chance, i would never have done something. and i don't like that mentality, because how can you easily write off something if you haven't had the experience of having done it? i think that the decisions that one makes in life are based in part to the circumstances that the person is facing at that particular time in his of her life.

but then life just happens.

and sometimes, it bites you right in the ass. kinda like that bullet that bit forest 'directly in the buttocks.' unfortunately, getting bit in the buttocks doesn't necessarily entail all the free ice cream that i can eat.

and so, i let go. with my sisters.

i suppose that the reason that i talk about my sorority so much is the fact that they really are like true sisters. we genuinely care about one another, we cook, we laugh, and we cry together. that's something that i'm sorely lacking in my life these days. that's not to say that i don't do any of this crap with my best friends. but because the good majority of them are guys, it's not really the same, and this is coupled with the fact that they're off in different parts of the country, so it's just that much more challenging to talk to each other the way that we used to.

so, here's the lyrics to a song that i was listening to heavily for the past little while...

i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
i don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertow/just caught in the undertow)
every step that i take
is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow/just caught in the undertow)
i've become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you
can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
had fallen apart right in front of you
(caught in the undertow/just caught in the undertow)
every step that i take
is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow/just caught in the undertow
and every second i waste
is more than i can take
but now i know
i may end up failing too
but i know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you
i've become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

but be rest assured that i won't be listening to it extensively anymore.

at least not until the next mental anguish.

bernadette walked against the wind at... 1:28 AM - [Link]

i'm mad, moody, and pissy.

and surprisingly enough, i'm not pms-ing.

i'm just deprived of sleep. i have to hand in a budget for vic chorus on friday, and i have nothing to go on. i don't know what to ask for, and i haven't actually gotten any info from vusac itself. dammit. asjbarfverdsjhaesvdof.

i don't know what the fuck's going on with my hotel situation on calgary. or rather, lack of. i currently don't have a place to stay, and i'm just so tired of having to deal with it. i seriously think that my head's gonna explode.

because of my ST insanity plea, i'm losing the next two weekends. this means that i'm not only not going to work, but it also means that i'm not going to get any school work done. what the hell was i thinking? did i really think that i could pull this off? FUCK!!!

i still have to worry about sorority fees. with the money that i don't have. plus, we have a thanksgiving dinner/meeting/exchange with du tomorrow. the dinner and meeting i can handle. i just don't want to go to the exchange. i have other things that i have to worry about right now, and i don't have time to relax. fuckfuckfuck.

did i mention that i got my marquette tix in the mail, only to find out that they spelled my name WRONG? 'berna-BETTE'. stupid asshole fuckers. i've gotten some weird interpretations of my names before (the best one i think was 'brenetta', by a 10 year old camper 4 years ago), but seriously...

passport offices are a pain in the arse. i have to pick up my passport on the same day i'm leaving for marquette. which is coincidentally the same day that i have a major presentation for trn419. i'm not a happy child.

plus i'm still sick.

all i want to do is curl up into a fetal position, and cry in the dark with coldplay.

but with my luck, i'll probably be stuck with listening to simple plan's
perfect'.

AURGHH!!!

bernadette walked against the wind at... 10:40 PM - [Link]

and going off on tangents.

or something like that. i think that it's the phrase for tangerine wavelength.

oh shut up. i'm sick and have the right to be uncreative. it's all the mucus that's clogging my nasal passages, thus depriving me from getting oxygen to my head. and that's why i'm not going to be making a whole lot of sense during this particular post.

nor am i going for themes or anything.

so here's some randomness, heading your way...

-on wednesday, me mam ordered chinese food for dinner. of course, we all know that the best part of a chinese dinner is the fortune cookie. so me mam got her fortune. it said, and i'm quoting word for word, 'you love chinese food.' it was a shame that i wasn't home for the great unveiling. we had a great laugh. then i saved it, and showed it to my sisters. we all had a great laugh. we're thinking of getting it framed for all eternity.

-i hate buckley's with a passion. it's cough syrup. now, i don't like cough syrup in general, but there are some that are more tolerable than others. buckley's is not one of them. anything that's made with pine needles is just wrong.

-yogurt isn't the best thing to eat when you're sick, but it's really good. stupid phlegm.

-i called work yesterday to tell them that i wasn't going to be in today. it's in my estimation that a day goes by so much faster when you're not doing anything than when you are. i've been the epitome of sloth the entire day. here's a recap of my day...sleep, watch tv, listen to music, more tv, reading non-school book, sleep, snooze, doze, nap, then more sleep.

-i really don't want to have to do the run for the cure tomorrow. but alas, i made a promise to do so. and it's for a good cause. hopefully, i won't pass out face-first into the pavement.

-is it a good thing if a ta remembers you, even though you didn't participate all that much in tutorial? i was at robart's yesterday, paying off some damn overdue book fines (which they didn't tell me about when i was hoarding all those books, by the way), when i look over at the line for ppl checking out books, and there's urs. and he's like, 'hello, bernadette. how are you?' i'm like, 'oh, i'm sick and tired, so nothing's new.' but i was thinking, 'geez, dammit.'

-i found out that alpha gam has a chapter in marquette, as well as in calgary!! SO, this means that i could possibly stay at the houses free of charge, and not really have to worry about paying for a hotel. also, because the comps are being held at the universities, this means that i'd be really close to the arenas. but i'm looking forward to meeting all these internet personalities. maybe i'll just get them to come out to the events instead. should be good times.

-speaking of marquette, yano is once again my saving grace. she has so generously offered to let me room with her. so sweet!! and even better times than bay city, because i'm legal now, and can buy my own drinks.

-they should really allow students to photocopy things for free. we're already paying a shitload of money in undue fees, for stuff that we never use. why not allocate some of that money to things that we actually NEED. i put $20 on my t-card yesterday. i have less than $10. of course, i've photocopied for the next three weeks for three courses, but still.

-i like advil. it's my best friend these days.

yep. that's about it.

bernadette walked against the wind at... 7:28 PM - [Link]

if i were a female pimp, then i'd have money.

if i had money, i wouldn't have to whore myself out to corporations to make a measly *jyiweol* dollars an hour.

if i didn't have to whore myself out to corporations to make a measly *jyiweol* dollars an hour, then maybe i'd have time to do homework, and wouldn't be tired all the time.

i blame this on my st addiction. dammit.

i'm just kidding, of course. we all know that.

but speaking of money (or lack of), i was going to put some money on my t-card so that i could photocopy stuff, and not have to stay at the trin library for 6 hours like i did last week.

unfortunately, i'm a complete ass, and forgot my wallet.

so, now i have to go to pratt after japanese history seminar, and photocopy there, because i can't check out the books from trin, and i can't get into the stacks at robarts.

suckssuckssuckssucks.

in other news: the pledge pub was on monday night.

i ended up not going. not that i'm sad about that or anything. i had stuff to do yesterday morning, and i play rugby. i don't necessarily need to go to some dance club to drink.

have i mentioned that i've never BEEN to a dance club?

yep. at 21 years of age, i've not only never been to one, but i've never been in the vicinity of one either. i suppose it has to do with the fact that i don't like dance music, and that i have a complete stereotypical view of the sorts of people who hang out at said types of clubs. like ginos and ginas...

and the sorts of people on 'paradise hotel.'

plus, i don't even LIKE dance music. *go rock*

so that's why i didn't go. however, i did go to the theta chi delta pre-pub beforehand.

but let's not speak of that. it was boring and i came home smelling like cigarettes.

but meh...

in even further news: tonight's the finale of 'paradise hotel.' and i'm going to watch it. after all, i dedicated a significant amount of studying time during the summer session to it. the least that i could do is watch to see who wins. and what exactly they win.

watch it be something totally crappy.

and just to sum it up: i'm getting my marquette tix in the mail soon!!

i only ordered them yesterday, and i was worried that i was going to get stuck with some crappy seats. from what i've been told, the venue's only half sold, so the chances of my getting some decent seats have significantly increased. when i went to chicoutimi, i got some pretty crappy seats that were far away from EVERYTHING. that was not kewl. *grrr*

so i'm happy.

plus i know that i'll be able to speak english.

i haven't ordered for calgary though. i'm going to be doing that later today. but i'm not too worried about there. i have friends who live there, plus we have a chapter there as well, so i'll be getting to meet my calgary sisters. maybe i can convince them to come out to the competition. i mean, who doesn't love a bunch of screaming, fanatic frat girls?

lol...

bernadette walked against the wind at... 1:23 PM - [Link]