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Blogging With Dr P... Blogging When I Can - Honest!
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Welcome to Blogging With Dr P... blogging when I can - honest

Your Blogging With Dr P... search result is below this annoucement.
In April 2008 Blogging With Dr P... moved to Blog Bypass.

If you're using the Blog Studio Search Facility to find a link to a previous blog, then I've been very generous, and NOT included an automatic re-direct which would take you there.

So, what this means is you have to use this link: Blog Bypass to find more Blogging With Dr P....

Thank you to Blog Studio for all the help over years! :)

(Feb 2010 Update): Haloscan is no more. Therefore the comments on this blog are no more. Sad, but true. I'm not paying $12 a year for the occasional comment with Echo. Apologies to all those who have commented. I have saved them and may well stick them somewhere else at some point.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 Thetford - (wap phone) - staying in the "Bell Hotel" as seen on "Most Haunted" ! Room 10 is haunted....I'm in 3...Think i'll go & bang on their door! : )

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(phone entry) - we could learn a lot from cats. Sue just told me, (phone), that she paw a neighbours cat climb onto a car that had just parked - to keep warm on the engine : )

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Saturday, September 27, 2003 Whereabouts

Each week on a Friday morning, I have to access the head office
network, open a file called "Management Programme", scroll down to my
name, and put my whereabouts in for the following week. This is
done so people can track me down when I'm out and about. I'm usually in
the car, to which the casual reponse to everything is - "...yup, yup -
can you send me that in an email, I'm driving right now and I'll never
remember all of that".
So, bearing that in mind, I thought I'd let you know where I'm going to
be over the next few weeks, as the old weblog will probably be a bit
sparse of entries, (apart from the occasional WAP phone update - I love
technology :) ). Okay here we go:

This Week: London,Norfolk & Essex
Next Week: Paris
Next Week 1: Paris, Essex
Next Week 2: Sussex, Essex
Next Week 3: (Vacation - decorating!)
Next Week 4: France prep.
Next Week 5: Lille, Paris
Next Week 6: Bordeaux, Essex

As you can see it's a pretty hectic schedule. Okay, I get to go to
Paris & bits of France once again, but it is work, not a holiday. But I do make it a bit of a laff as well :).

So, please excuse my lack of blogging activity between now and when I
get back off that whirlwind tour of workdom. The weeks vacation will be & decorating for when Sue's parents take their first trip across the Big Pond and come and visit us for the New Year.

And then I'll go back to work for a rest & prep for the Bordeaux trip :) And, if this is your first time here - have a good click about everywhere. All those delightful people under Blogging Folks are well worth a visit, and the little Fun & Trivial Links are just that. Enjoy yourselves...stay as long as like :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Friday, September 26, 2003 I Used To Live There...

Driving around the North Circular this afternoon, (the inner ring road around the North of London, going through the suburbs), I skirted the edges of Woodgreen. Best thing to do really - ha. I used to live there. But I was reminded about how people react differently about where they used to live. How many times in conversation, when a place name is mentioned, somebody says - I used to live there, then either one of these reactions take place. They either:
1. Tell you how great it was with some story or other, or
2. They shut up and stare off into the middle distance and allow you to finish your sentence and conversation.

I'm always interested in how people react. Actually, I'm just interested in people altogether. We're all such interesting beasts! Anywhere I've lived has always had some effect on me, and I'll always have some sort of memory, or story to tell about the place should I ever pass by it, or that place is brought up in conversation.

Woodgreen for example:
1. Three guys tried to mug me whilst I was locking my store up one winter's evening.
2. The IRA set off two bombs in the shopping centre - one went off no more than 40 feet away from me as I was locking the store front doors.
3. I got riotously drunk with my good friend Salva on his birthday, and went into one of those Laser Quest places - whilst drunk :)
4. I learnt never to live there again.

Yeah - it wasn't such a bad place :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Thursday, September 25, 2003 Old Family Movies

Maybe it's an American thing, or an eccentric English thing, but I don't know many families, or friends of mine, who have old family movies to look at.

I say an American thing because not having a great long history to talk about as a country, when everything could be photographed, or filmed - off you went. And old movies are always full of eccentric English Uncles with their Brownie Box Camera who photographed the building of Wembley Stadium, or some such nonsense. Then, after his National Service in Germany, smuggled back a Hanimax cine camera, and consequently plotted the story of his childrens growing up until they were sick of the sight of the camera, and dreaded birthdays, holidays and special occasions because in years to come they knew they would be shown to potential girl/boy friends at the most embarassing opportunites.

No - we have a tin full of old photos back at my mothers house. My eldest brother scanned a load into his PC and emailed them down to me. I don't get 'home' as often as I should. I still like to look in the tin when I do get home, just to remind myself of those long nearly-forgotten holidays, and sit on the sofa and talk to mam while having tea and biscuits. (Of course I still have to have a mat to put my cup on, and I can't spill any crumbs either).

And I really miss my dad. He died several years ago. But there are times when I catch myself saying and doing things that he would do - ha. The photographs are nice to look at. I stumbled across an audio tape which was used in the answerphone at home many years ago. (It must have slipped in with my stuff somehow when I was moving out way back when). It's got dad's voice on it saying a standard answerphone message in clear and precise English. Ha. He always knew how to do the right thing.

Anyway, time for bed.....good night y'all.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2003 Mystery Column Revealed!

Elvedon, Eriswell, and Icklingham are small villages/communities near the market town of Thetford up in Norfolk, England. They are quite close to the American Air Force base at Mildenhall. The monument, as the inscription reads is in memory of those fallen in the Great War, (WWI), from the area.
What makes it so unsual, is that it stands by itself, by the side of the road, out in the countryside alongside the A11 road - which for those of you who know it, is at single carriageway by this point.

I've always wanted to take some photos of it because it looks so good. So I did. And now you know what it's all about :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Tuesday, September 23, 2003
C'mon - take a guess....

Where would you find a majestic column like this, eh?

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Monday, September 22, 2003
Mystery Monument

Where is the monument that casts this shadow, and what is it called?

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Sunday, September 21, 2003 The Beer Scooter

How many times have you awakened in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,
you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by
Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of
these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90f all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a
third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good
intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments
In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is
the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
A more modern inclusion is the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Saturday, September 20, 2003 Saturday - (WAP phone entry) - In the barbers waiting to get my hair chopped - the usual Number One French Foreign Legion look : )

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

"Men And Their Toys"

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"His Masters Supermarket"

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Thursday, September 18, 2003 Slough - (another WAP phone entry) - has more Indian restaurants than Mars bars... Lol : )

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 ... Chicken jalfrezi in the hotel restaurant has ruined my Weight Watchers points for the next three days ! : )

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

by John Betjeman (1906 - 1984)

John Betjeman published his poem about Slough in 1937 in the collected works Continual Dew. Slough was becoming increasingly industrial and some housing conditions were very cramped. In willing the destruction of Slough, Betjeman urges the bombs to pick out the vulgar profiteers but to spare the bald young clerks. He really was very fond of his fellow human beings. Slough is much improved nowadays and he might be pleasantly surprised by a stroll there.

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and blow to smithereens
Those air -conditioned, bright canteens,
Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans,
Tinned minds, tinned breath.

Mess up the mess they call a town-
A house for ninety-seven down
And once a week a half a crown
For twenty years.

And get that man with double chin
Who'll always cheat and always win,
Who washes his repulsive skin
In women's tears:

And smash his desk of polished oak
And smash his hands so used to stroke
And stop his boring dirty joke
And make him yell.

But spare the bald young clerks who add
The profits of the stinking cad;
It's not their fault that they are mad,
They've tasted Hell.

It's not their fault they do not know
The birdsong from the radio,
It's not their fault they often go
To Maidenhead

And talk of sport and makes of cars
In various bogus-Tudor bars
And daren't look up and see the stars
But belch instead.

In labour-saving homes, with care
Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
And dry it in synthetic air
And paint their nails.

Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough
To get it ready for the plough.
The cabbages are coming now;
The earth exhales.

- and that's where I'll be for the next few days. It's also the home of the Mars Bar....but I shan't be eating any as they're 5.5 points on the Weight Watchers eating plan :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 I Wonder If There Really Was An 'Ethan'?

I only ask this because I spent many happy hours yesterday erradicating the W97M/Ethan.src virus off a colleague's laptop. I am by no means a computer technician, but even wih my limited knowledge of all things tecchie, it took a long time to do. The little bugger, (the virus, not my colleague), attaches itself to the dot template for a Word document. Consequently, any Word document produced has the virus attached to it. Naturally, we email each other with all kinds of reports, etc - and so the thing gets passed about. He had 34 files infected. Nice. So, a quick re-install, update, preference change of McAfee - and he was up and running again.

I've just got to do it all again today with someone else...blah!

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Sunday, September 14, 2003 Woodgnome Unplugged

So, what would your life be like if you were a pissed off hack working on your local newspaper in your home town? I found this place: Woodgnome Unplugged. It is a diary of the imaginery experiences of a reporter on a equally imaginery Grays Essex Courier local newspaper.
Those click-a-holics amongst you who may have already gone there, may have discovered that the language may not be exactly as one would find here. So, be warned those of a faint heart and nervous disposition - this diary is not for you !

But for the rest of you who want a bloody good laugh at just about everyone's expense apart from the reporter's own go to Woodgnome Unplugged now.

End of advertisement.

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Saturday, September 13, 2003
Warm Today?

Have a drink on me......

Cheers! :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Friday, September 12, 2003 This was my September 11th 2001

I know it's the 12th today, but strangely enough, for the civilised world we live in, I didn't really hear any details about the terrorist attacks in New York until about the 13th/14th September, and didn't get to see a TV until around 15th.

Where was I? I was three quarters of the way up the Andes Mountains in Peru on a charity hike to Macchu Picchu. The group had stopped at a farmhouse, (the only flat piece of land for miles), and camped in the farmers field. He had a shortwave radio, with very bad reception, and heard on that about air attacks on the World Trade Centres. But that's all we knew. No telephones, no TV. It was a bit unerving as some of our group had friends/relatives who worked in/around the towers, and we had no means to find out any more.

The trek went on for two more days. Because we had only heard a fraction of what had actually happened, nobody was that concerned about it after the initial radio broadcast we heard at the farm - so off we went to the top of the Andes.

After a brief stop in Cusco, to get drunk and celebrate the hike, we all took a short plane ride back to Lima. We were supposed to to hang around aimlessly for about 5 hours in a security guarded shopping mall on the beach front property in Lima. (This wasn't extra security - this is how it always was there). But I decided to find a room in a hotel, get a bath, and have a snooze for a few. Only then did I switch on the TV and got a very badly tuned in picture of CNN. I watched the pictures as I phoned my wife-to-be in New Jersey to tell her I had come off the mountain.

It was very strange to see all the analysis of the huge world catastrophe being discussed - and all of us up in the mountains had missed it, so to speak. I rejoined the rest of the group, some of whom had bought English speaking (American) newspapers - which were now a few days old - but were, of course brand new down in Peru. Like many people the world over, we then discussed the horror of it all. But still, it was so far removed, compared to where we'd been, what we'd just done, and even to the hustle and bustle of this scruffy looking South American city swirling around us.

A stark reminder of the increase in security came to us at Lima airport where they had stopped anyone going in who didn't have a ticket, and had moved all the baggage scanning machines into the main lobby. It took four hours to get through the check-in.

Anyway, that's where I was on 9/11 2001

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Thursday, September 11, 2003 It's All Yours Keijo...!

Maybe I should rent space here, or perhaps just open the page to visitors every now wnd again. But the following message just appeared in my guestbook, and I'd thought I'd share it with you:

"great greeting from sweden. I living in to the sweden ,but belong to finnish people.I have aonly sake in my the heart. This is the lord Jesus. All men must to be know him. He is salvation to whole the earth. be blesset keijo sweden"

And you can get little Keijo at:

Be gentle, you know how sensitive these Swedes are :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 More from Orsett.....

It was a typical country fair with lots of wine tasting going on...

And, of course, some more serious country pursuits of Giant Garden Chess!...

There were some horses and stuff, as well, they just weren't as photogenic :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Tuesday, September 09, 2003 Man and Machine In Pefect Harmony

Orsett Country Fair, Essex last Saturday. It was fun :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Monday, September 08, 2003 A Punk Stopped Me In The Street......

He said,
"You got a light, mac?"
I said,
"No, but I've got a dark brown overcoat"

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Sunday, September 07, 2003 Corporate Lesson

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Saturday, September 06, 2003 Live Journals

I got myself lost in Live Journal land earlier today. It was someone's journal who had a thing about fan fiction, TV programmes mainly. Anyway, I saw that someone had made a comment about Moonlighting. They said that it was badly written. I disagreed, and stated my case.
Of course, I expected a reply. It came with the usual acid opener one can sometimes get on journals/message boards: "...Yes. If you'd read my post correctly, you'd have seen that's what I was saying...." - oh, hark at her (!), I'll scratch her bloody eyes out I will....:). Now, I don't know if they was any vitriolic slant to her opening remark, but I just got the impression that I'd wandered into somebody else's domain, (and I'm not talking about the internet either!), and was being shown to the world the complete idiot I apparently am. Shan't be going back there again. Oh, but I did, just to post the following:

"July 27,2003 - Bruce Willis indicated in 2 online chats (last week) through his new that he would be interested in reprising his David Addison character "under the right circumstances". He also said he was working to get the Moonlighting DVD's released. Cybill Shepherd has indicated several times in the past that she would do a reunion. In an interview last year (in Moonlighting Strangers fanzine)Glenn Gordon Caron said he would only do a reunion if there was a good idea for bringing Maddie and David back. He also indicated he was also working to get the DVD's released.
In a July 2003 concert in NYC, Bruce Willis mentioned the possibility of a Moonlighting Reunion for the first time. Let's cross our fingers and hope that it happens and that it will be good (of course by this I mean that Maddie and David get back together!)"

So, that about raps it up for the Moonlighting news! But there are such a huge range of Live Journals out there, like many weblogging/we diary homes & software, that I'm sure I'll be tripping back across there again some time for other interesting chats at interesting websites, say, like this one here : )

[Link] - | Old Blog Search


To a lesser degree women do suffer from this a little. For you ladies it would probably be best described as splashup. Splashup can usually be rectified by putting some toilet papaer in the pan before assuming the position. But this is a phenomena which us guys always have to be aware of when using a urinal - and there's not a lot we can do about it.

The tortous and embarassing effects of splashback are best felt, (literally!), during summertime - when one would go to the toilet wearing shorts. There is nothing worse than having had a few beers at the bar, going to the toilet, pointing Percy at the porcelain, so to speak, and then getting a fair percentage of it back again! Have you ever tried to avoid it? It looks like you're doing some kind of Urinal Mamba.

I suspect that it's mainly down to:
A. The shape of the urinal bowl.
B. Space-time being curved.
C. Gravitional effects of liquids at high speeds (!)
I have no doubts that it has nothing to do with the fact that men are messy pissers - oh no - not that! :) Clinical tests have proven that 98.5f men have a degree of accuracy when urinating, as they would filling a car with gas. Of course 78.5f all statistics are also incorrect.....including either of those two. So I'll let you think about that for a while...:)

So, where does that leave us? Wet legs and/or trousers. And please guys - do not go down the avenue of trying to hand dry the offending area with paper towels! Do you know what you look like when some other guy walks in?:
A. Incredibly gay!
B. Incredibly shamefaced for not going into a cubicle to do that sort of thing
C. Looking as though you have crotch dandruff as the paper towel disappears after vigourous rubbing. (It's a man thing - any stain will disappear if rubbed hard enough - regardless of the fact if that's the right thing to do or not).

And God forbid if you try to Madonna Your Stain Away under the hand dryer - dry humping public convenience equipment is an arrestable offence in most countries I'm sure ! :)

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Friday, September 05, 2003 The Last Flush?

My thanks to Kevin for this, from A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom. I suppose it's about time we all learnt exactly what to do in there........! :

"Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
XXX.X.X [ These three options are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided,
XXXXXXX use a toilet].

Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again."

Okay - it happened again today. I was working in a store, where my office is based, which has two urinals....and two cubicles. I went in - it was empty. No problemo - I stepped up to one of the urinals, and away I went! Not two seconds after I started, the door opened and another guy walked in. Holy s**t - now the tables were turned. I now knew what the guy at the urinal would be feeling, (not literally!), when some strange guy stands up beside him while he is peeing:

A. Who the hell is this?
B. There's two perfectly good urinals behind me - is he staring at my willy?
C. God - I wish I could finish and get the hell out of here!

Yup, I've got to say it - going to the lavatory has always been a complex
mind game for me - never mind the stress on my bowels as well ! :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Toilet Talk

It seems to me that the great debate of the day has nothing to do with Iraq, terrorism, Homeland Security, Arnie in California etc etc - but the amazing undercurrent of thought I seemed to have tapped into, (if you pardon the plumbing analogy), to all this toilet activity. If you haven't read the comments on the last few posts about this. Here are some of the edited highlights...

"I'd suggest that you fellas find the fools that design men's restrooms/latrines/piss boxes and tell them you want adequate numbers of stalls with urinal/toilets so you can relieve yourselves with relief."
Yes, a sensible suggestion by Julie . I shall leave it until one of my quieter moments before I start making the phone calls....:)

"My husband and I have actually had conversations about this and how it impacts male egos (yes, we had been drinking).....". Now we're getting down to some of the nitty-gritty here. TW got right to the heart, (or bowel!), of the subject here - the male ego thing. Hell, if I'd have drunk a bit before I'd starting thinking about it, maybe I could have been more inspired. Or mby ny typin just wuld hav ben totly fked up!

"All right I will confess I have on occasion used the men's room. But what's a girl to do when there are twenty five women in line for the ladies room and no sign of life in the men's room and you really, really have to go. It has always perplexed me as to why the urinals are so "out there"." Now Dorothy is one of the several of you ladies who openly admit using gents toilets, and have no qualms, or concerns about it. It would seem that the practicality of the situation overides any other social thought processes or stigmas that might be attached to any other kind of male/female interactive situation. Good point about why are they, the urinals, are so "out there". Hmmm, you must have been doing some kind of survey Dorothy? Not the sort of place I'd like to get down on my hands and knees with a tape measure? LOL :)

Kevin, typically of a man, presented a more practial question: "Do these restrooms only have two urinals? Or, if there are three of 'em, is the man using the middle one?" Yup - the psychological trauma involved is definitley increased if there are three urinals, and he's using the middle one. I would think one of three things:
A. He's gay.
B. He has an enormously large pocket python and is not ashamed to show it.
C. He's waiting for
So, I'd be heading straight for a cubicle again.

But I think it's littlebear's thoughts and images on this subject which promoted to give you the edited highlights of all your thoughts:
"I frequently take road trips with my girl friends and since I'm the one with the shortest hair, it falls to me to hit the men's restroom when we stop at gas stations. Personally, I head straight to the cubicle, but then we can all figure out why."
Yes, me deario, we need no more descriptive text to figure out why...;). And the hair thing - an interesting concept in male toilet concealment. You wouldn't consider doing a survey of distance between urinal & cubicle whilst you're in there would you? No? Okay, it's just a thought.....;)

I did discuss this concept with two of my work colleagues yesterday. They looked at me with the kind of half smile you give to someone who is not quite playing chess with all the pieces, if you know what I mean! They nodded sagefully, and then carried on the subject as two cowboys would as if they'd just seen a piece of tumbleweed blow into view in the distance, watch it for a couple of minutes, and then get back to the roping & branding of cattle!

For the time being, my Toilet Thoughts are now 'engaged' - I mean closed! .....this is because I actually have to go to it now - it's the angle of this office desk chair y'know - I just can't sit down in it after eating a big meal and not, well....y'know (!) - wanting to get up and pay a visit soon after. And with that happy imagery in mind - ta ta for now - and happy flushing wherever it may be :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Thursday, September 04, 2003 IAMJOHNTHAW - Again

As I live and breathe - you must, simply....MUST go here: iamjohnthaw. The link does take you to the last page of the diary entries on 9th March 2002 - around the same time that the great actor John Thaw died. (He played "Morse" and "Regan" in "The Sweeney"). I can't explain too much, but it is the funniest thing you will ever read - honestly.

For the past couple of years the diaries have not been available, but thanks to Tauna here I was sent a zip file with some of the archive pages. After having a bloody good laugh at those, I now find that the diaries are back on line again. I'm not sure how long this will last - but if you want a bloody good laugh - go here now: iamjohnthaw.

Trust me. You'll never read anything funnier :)

[Link] - | Old Blog Search

Share-A-Loo Story

Little did I know this was such a thought about subject - but I too, have had to use the Ladies, (fragrant smelling toliet facilities on some occasions! Emergencies I might add, not research or curiosity!)

On incident happened when I was absolutely 'busting' for the loo, and the car full of drunken students, as we were then, pulled into a car park in a lovely Lake District town. The buildings were made of flint and local brick, and looked rather twee. Not that it mattered, I just raced in the nearest open door, swung a left and hit the cubicles. It wasn't until I'd torn my clothes off, and assumed the position, that my mind slowed down a bit, and I realised, slightly drunk though I was, that there had been no urinals attached to the walls anywhere. Okay, this was a country town - but there should be urinals in the gents, right?

Interesting situation, eh? What happened next? Well, I thought - "I'd best be quiet"......and then I thought "Why, there's some women in the next cubicle sounding like she's suffering from the Aztec Two-Step - and is not afraid to let everyone know(!) Armed with this knowledge, and the fact that my thinking capapbility was somewhat diminished due to the alcohol pumping around my body, and other 'things' happening with my body at that time as well(!), I decided to'finish up' wipe and run.

(Believe me - this is a true story!). But I couldn't just walk straight out into a busy country ladies toilet. I had to stand behind the door and LISTEN! until the coast was clear. Don't ask me what I heard in the period until it was clear - those noises haunt me even still :). Finally, the coast was clear, and I unlatched the door quickly, and in a brisk military fashioned marched out of the door, across the tiled floor, through the exit door - into the car park.

My drunken friends had found the gents toilets - right next door. They had done their business, and were now having a bloody good laugh as I made my escape :)

Was there a lesson to be learnt here? No. If you need to do it - you'll do it anywhere, right? And I think that's true of a lot of things in life as well, isn't t? ;)

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Wednesday, September 03, 2003 There's One Guy At One Of The Urinals....

.....when you walk in, so what do you do? It's been a great debate on my mind for many years now, and I feel it's about time I discussed it openly with y'all here. Why? Well, it occured again today. The exact same scenario which has happened many times over in so many lavatories, toilets, ("restrooms" - for my transatlantic buddies), across the world. I mean, this traumic event has been happening ever since I entered a toilet - and there was just one other bloke at one of the urinals. Bars, (God - so many bars!), hotels, restuarants, airports, railway stations, camp sites, motorway service stations - the list is almost endless - including famous landmarks like The Eiffel Tower, and Alcatraz. Yup - I've peed in them all!...along with some other guy.......not the same guy....obviously :). Okay - it's like this.....If you go into the toilet, (and remember this is something that only a guy will ever experience), and there is only one other guy in there at one of the urinals, do you:

A. Stand next to him at another urinal?
B. Go into one of the cubicles?

Now, this may not seem like some earth shattering debate of great importance, however there is an awful lot of psychology going on here. Because if you choose Option 'A', does he think:
1. You're gay?
2. Staring at his willy?
3. Waiting for him to say something?
Or, if you choose Option 'B', does he think:
1. You're gay?
2. Have a small willy?
3. Have an embarrassingly huge trouser snake?

So, if you're really concerned about what the other guy thinks about when you walk into the toilet when he's having a pee, remember there's a 33e thinks you're gay no matter what you decide! :)

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Going To See The Pope....

It was a dark and stormy night......actually, it was the summer of 1977. LIVERPOOL were playing BORUSSIA MOENCHENGLADBACH in the final of the European Soccer Cup Final in the Olympic Stadium in Rome, Italy. Myself and a party of about 80 altar servers were staying there the week before. We were on a 'pilgrimage' to Rome - I'd never been on a 'pilgrimage' before, and I've never been on one since - it just felt like a very long journey to me :)

'We' were the Archconfraternity of St.Stephen - the 'altar boys union'. This was an organised trip to Rome to see the Pope. Catholic altar severs from all over England and Wales converged on London, and we all set off on specially reserved train carriages for the overland trip to Rome. This was in the days before cheap air travel, and a 1.5 day train ride from Northern France and through Itlay to Rome was also a bit of an adventure for us 'teenage boys abroad' :).

Our head altar server drank too much cheap Italian wine on the train in France, and subsequently lost his voice. One of the priests who was with us had hid pockets picked in Rome - was nothing sacred?! - I guessed it must have been some Protestant pickpocket stayed in a hostel inside the Vatican City, and the Pope flew in from his summer residence at Castel Gandolfo in the 'Pope-a-copter' - landing just outside the dormitory windows of the hostel. Yup - there were lots of thrills and spills on that trip :)

The 'audience' with the Pope was a ticket only event - a bit like Bruce Springsteen doing a small nightclub in New Jersey. At that time the private audiences were held every Wednesday afternoon. Our tickets had been bought in advance, and we had our seats somewhere near the front. The man himself, (Pope Paul VI - the best one, I think), was carried into the hall on his sedan chair thing. Everyone cheered. Weird thing to cheer a Pope - nobody tells you how to do, or what to cheer :). Anyway, he was carried up the centre aisle and placed on his little throne at the front. (I took some pictures - but my silly little camera at the time wasn't capable of picking him out from amongst the crowd - but I know he was there :) ).

I can't remember much about what he said etc. Lots of praying and blessing. A few hymns etc. And then back off to the summer residence in the Pope-a-copter. We did try to see him leave, but were prevented by the big burly security guards. It's a pity that they didn't announce "The Pope has left the building" in seven or so different languages - that would have been funny:).

Oh yes - Liverpool 3 - 1 Borussia Moenchengladbach :)

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Tuesday, September 02, 2003 Vatican Photos - Develop Free On-Line

It was just one of those things I misread on the Netscape homepage. It actually read "...vacation photos - develop free on-line..." - now that made more sense. This is the Vatican on-line....

This is a vacation photo...

I think you'll notice a significant difference in decor. The top photo shows the splendour from atop the Vatican City, Rome, Italy overlooking St.Peters Square. The second photo is a shabby interior of an amusement arcade in Herne Bay, Kent, England taken last Friday on a wet summers day. I don't suppose there's any point in putting a poll vote on this to decide which place you'd rather be at?

He may not have slot machines in the Vatican, but I understand the Pope is an Elvis fan :)

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One Of Those Busy Days

Yes it was. Monday. First day back at work afer a weeks vacation. Two meetings, lots of emails, techhie bits n' pieces to do, blah, blah, blah,blah, etc etc. Oh the cut and thrust of the business environment - ha:).

And a colleague of mine had also returned from vacation. She's been to Portugal, and manged to smuggle some cod back for me. I know......think about that sentence for a minute. Okay now? Yes - I said "Smuggle some cod....". Well, it all started with a conversation about Portugal several weeks ago. The lady question is of Portuguese extract, and we were discussing what national industries the country had. Outside of tourism, the next best thing is fishing. And, of course, one of the biggest crimes against the state was "cod smuggling" out of the country.

Hmmm. An interesting crime, eh? What do the border guards say when they suspect someone of this crime? - "Hmmmm. Something fishy going on here!". And what sort of prison sentences would be handed out for such a crime? I would imagine in the olden days before hi-tech refrigerated smuggling, that if a person was caught with a couple live wriggly cods down their trousers, (have think about that image for a moment.......okay - now carry on!), whilst going into Spain, they woud probably have let the cod go off - then make them eat it - or even put them in the village sticks and have people throw rotting cod at them!
Nowadays there are probably far worse sentences handed out. I can't think of any at the momenet (!) - but if you do, let me know......!

Anyway, I have to arrange for the next time I'm in Head Office, for the Portuguese contraband to be brought in. And the hand over will have to be done down in the corner of the lower deck of the multi-storey car park, or something.....:) Who knows - Interpol could be tracking that cod! :)

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