Friday, February 28, 2003

well i made it through the day twelve yoga review without breaking down and crying. my pain level didn't increase to outrageous levels. i hope that means i'm getting stronger. i did get shakey after i exercised though; shakey and weak, just another symptom of my illness. so i figured that i had exercised too much. and then i felt kind of ill during dinner. i sure hope i'm not pushing myself too hard. i peeked ahead to the beginning of day 13 and i'm about to hit the second exercise that i will skip. the first was the teddy bear stand, the second is the shoulder stand, where you have to stand on the back of your neck. not going to happen. i think those are the only two i will have to skip out of the whole program. at least from what i recall. but it's been alot of years since i've done this. i'm pretty sure my body is responding somewhat favorably. i think... not sure... oh i don't know, well it's only been twelve days, seems like so much longer. i'm wanting to do this for the rest of my life, but i'm hoping my body gets strong to the point where it's a pleasant experience, not like it is now, where i kinda dread it every day and i'm waiting for the 28 days to be up. sigh, i hope God likes my yoga.

Posted by bonehaven at 11:32 PM - [Link]

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

i just did day 10 of my yoga program! only 18 more days to go, then i will have to see how it has affected me. if it is just more and more pain then i guess i won't be able to do it. but i'm hoping that i will be able to gain a little bit of flexibility and strength AND the ability to DO SOME YOGA with not too much excess pain. today wasn't too too bad coz i had an easy day yesterday, with just some weird abdominal exercises in my yoga practice. it was sort of a resting day after the big review day on day 8. i'm drinking my yummy fruit juice right now. between yoga and making the juice it's a good hour and half, at least out of my day, maybe more, i haven't timed it. they talk, in the book, like yoga is twenty minutes out of your day and oh so easy. how ridiculous. especially if somebody is out of shape or sick in anyway. i was just thinking the other day that i might have to give up. coz i was just in too much pain. my husband asked me how i was after my yoga practice and i almost burst into tears. i came very close to just breaking down and crying, that's how much it hurt and how sorry i was feeling for myself. the next day i woke up and my body was just seized in place and it hurt so much to move. i don't know, we shall see. after all i am trying to get in shape with a painful illness. so using muscles i haven't used in years, since i got sick, combined with fibromyalgia makes for much pain. when i did yoga when i was young and not sick i don't recall it hurting tho. but i guess i was never THAT out of shape. anyway, enuff yoga whining.

Posted by bonehaven at 11:12 PM - [Link]

Monday, February 24, 2003

went to a big mall today, did alot of walking, i'm sore, don't feel like doing yoga. i am putting it off by blogging. i was with my sister in law. she has this woman that used to work for her threatening her. this woman is telling her to watch her family and stuff like that. and she works in the mall we went to today, and we walked right by the store she works in, and my sister in law goes 'i wonder if she is working today' and looks in the store. and then goes 'oops, yeah she is' and looks away quickly, and we keep walking. then when we are coming back she walks RIGHT IN FRONT of her store. i'm like 'make a wide berth'. she's like 'i'm not afraid, i'll show her'. not the call i would have made, i don't like to underestimate mental illness. when un-well people get a hate on for ya, i think it's wise to be afraid. and i mean, my sister in law didn't even do anything wrong to this woman, so it's totally unreasonable. it is good that she's not living in fear tho, that's always a better way to live i gather. but caution is in order for sure.

Posted by bonehaven at 10:47 PM - [Link]

Saturday, February 22, 2003

saturday, movie day, watching fried green tomatoes and the chat screen on my new chat feature. my hubby is cooking a roast and making home made bread, it smells so good in here. life is really good. God has blessed us so. i just did yoga, just finished day six. skipped my first exercise. i was supposed to do a partial head stand. not gonna happen, not even partially. my poor little neck was not designed to hold my weight. it doesn't even like holding the weight of my head most of the time. i used to stand on my head for two hours at a time when i was about 14, it's good for your brain, to have all that blood flow to it. but my brain is just going to have to work on a diminished supply. i will not be standing on my head again i dare say. oh i'm hungry, i can hardly wait for dinner. i don't know what i would do without my husband. when i say grace i ask God to make my heart truely grateful, and i think He is. i'm truely grateful for my husband and all he does. i'm so blessed.

Posted by bonehaven at 9:18 PM - [Link]

Friday, February 21, 2003

well i have added chat to my website, so go and chat, the room is always nice and busy as far as i can tell. tho i don't have much experience with it yet. and it's nice and Christian. it's pretty cool. you just add a snippet of code to yer page and you have chat. a very good friend of mine has it on her site, so it was her baby, but she let me use it. thanks megan sister. she also showed me this neat way that people can recommend your page, so i put a recommend link on a couple pages and an email comes up that you can send about my site. i'm heading up on day 5 of my yoga program, my muscles are pretty darned sore, i'll tell you that for free. i think i'm using every muscle in my body. my hubby gave me a rub down the other day, it was so nice, but he had to do it really gently coz i was like 'ow oooch owie ouch'. yesterday i had to drag myself off the mat after yoga practice and make myself some fresh fruit juice coz i was feeling so sick and tired. taking all the ativan i took for the dentist that day probably didn't help. i still have high hopes that this yoga program will help me to a good degree. it has in the past, that's for sure. my hubby has finish illustrating my poems, and the main poetry page. so be sure to check that out, i simply had to write another poem, since i couldn't bear for it to be over, coz his pictures are so wonderful. *shneebloink*

Posted by bonehaven at 4:16 PM - [Link]

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

i've decided to start doing richard hittleman's 28 day yoga program. it's a book i bought about 20 years ago when i lived in montreal and was off in seclusion and going on a juice fast. it was astounding how great it made me feel. and i have gone thru the program several times in my youth and it has helped my back when it was in crisis. of course i'm probably too old and fat and sick to do it now, but i'm going to see what i can do with it. just do what i can sort of thing. there was stuff in the book that i couldn't do when i was twenty. i was never that limber, and i'm not sure the human body was meant to stand on the back of your neck. and of course i won't be standing on my head any time soon either. and there's alot of the moves i can only do partially. but i just think that i should get stretching, or soon i will be too old to stretch and my back will seize up. i know alot of Christians say yoga is bad. i have thrown out yoga books in the past. but i got my dad to ask his pastor and he said that as long as i wasn't doing the spiritual part, as long as i was just stretching and stuff it was ok. and that's what this is, it's hatha yoga, physical yoga, i don't mean to do anything spiritual, that's for sure. and yoga does such awesome things for your health. and i'm going to put the juicer to work, try to support my body in it's exercise routine, see if i can't get it to respond. i used to go on juice fasts but they don't work anymore since i got sick. and i bought some anti-oxidant pills. saw a guy talking about anti-oxidants on tv, they sound pretty good. he is a doctor and his wife has chronic fatigue. i want to buy his book. the bookstore is going to call me when it comes in. anyway, i just did day 2 in the 28 day program, i feel pretty good, i know it's going to get alot harder and i won't be able to do it, but at least i'll be stretching. we shall see. yoga schmoga.

Posted by bonehaven at 6:31 PM - [Link]

Monday, February 17, 2003

i just watched the matrix, good movie, but i forget how people that don't believe in God try to find Him in science fiction. whether it's aliens or strange messiahs from other planets... the matrix is about a puter messiah of sorts. a messiah with alot of guns. after watching that movie i'm like 'HOW did Jesus save the world?'... without guns... just kidding. i do need the cross explained to me every now and then tho. coz it stops making sense to me somehow. WHY did Jesus have to die? How DID He save the world? i think i will buy a book on it. i think there is a book on basic Christianity by watchman nee that comes highly recommended. i've got another book on order tho, have to read that first. i just get so confused. coz God can do anything and things are just a freakin' mess, what with all the suffering in the world. i wonder why God does things the way He does things. and frankly i'm just getting to know Him, just altering my view of the world to incorporate Him, so we shall see.

Posted by bonehaven at 12:56 AM - [Link]

Friday, February 14, 2003

once i heard, from some errant femaminst run amok, that valentines day was based on the legend of a rapist. i think she prolly just made that up, or read it in the manifesto of the woman who shot andy warhol. i think the man haters really ruin it for legit feminists who want an equity in the work place and such. we don't want the opposite of patriarchy to be matriarchy, we want it to be cooperation. we don't want women to become men, we just want choices and opportunity and freedom and such. there are inherent differences between men and women that will never change. men go to war, women have babies. those are basic rules. that doesn't mean that some men can't be stay at home dads, and some women can't fight in wars, but these are the exceptions that prove the rule lol. of course they CAN tho. anyway, i think valentine's day was based on a SAINT not a rapist... i just looked it up on the net, and it is apparently about a priest that was marrying couples when a roman emporer had outlawed marriage and was put to death for it. the marrying priest was named valentine and was sainted after his death. happy valentine's day!

Posted by bonehaven at 3:56 PM - [Link]

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

i wonder why God allows suffering. why there is so much prayer that goes without being answered, when there are the promises of Jesus that whatever we ask for we shall receive. why are there so many sick people that don't get healed? is it really because we don't have enuff faith? i have had God surprise me with healings, miracles that left me partially healed, wondering why He didn't go all the way. it's very strange. God works in mysterious ways. i've had Him totally heal a problem unexpectedly. i've had Him leave me to suffer unexpectedly. i wonder what kind of life God wants us to have. does He expect us to suffer? Jesus said 'in the world you will have trials', that seems to indicate He expects us to suffer. but there's this other scripture that's in my mind right now 'thou shalt lie down and thy sleep shall be sweet' or something to that effect. isn't that what God wants to give us? isn't that how much God loves us? i think so.

Posted by bonehaven at 5:27 PM - [Link]

Sunday, February 09, 2003

well my poetry section is up; hope y'all like it. i always feel so sad when a change to my webpage is DONE. i like it being a work in progress, i don't like it being done. well i suppose the poetry section isn't done, coz it's waiting for more of my husband's artwork. he is unhappy with the picture in 'coming down', so that one will be replaced. and he is going to draw a picture for 'young again'. and he's going to do one for the main poetry index. my husband is a wonderful artist. i'm so lucky to have him illustrating my little poems. you should see his detailed pencil drawings. they are amazing. he doesn't have an art space set up in here. he does his work on the puter now. i hope he doesn't let go his paper work all together. i bought him one of those puter pen thingies for Christmas, so he's having fun with that. my favorite is the picture for 'into bed at night'.. it's so sweet, i can stare at it for hours. talk about capturing a poem. isn't that what art is all about? that's my hubby :)

Posted by bonehaven at 6:03 PM - [Link]

Friday, February 07, 2003

i found a good quote. about communication from Jesus. i sure do miss having Him talk to me.
When Jesus is with us, all is well and nothing seems insurmountable.
But when Jesus is absent, everything is difficult. If Jesus does not
speak to us inwardly, all other comfort is meaningless.
But the slightest communication from him brings consolation.
Bernard Bangley

But He cares for me, takes care of me on dentist day, etc. but oh it's so true that all is well when He communicates with us. no matter what is going wrong... GOD is here! everything is going to be RIGHT now!
my comfort from dentist day seeps into the day after dentist day. i like that.

Posted by bonehaven at 6:51 PM - [Link]

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

i just wrote out a ton of scriptures on healing... have concordance and a computer bible, will travel. i'm going to read them out loud every day and see what happens. you know those stories you hear of miraculous healings from reading scriptures. it's good to get into the Word anyway. it's the sword of the Spirit right? part of the armor of God. and somehow it's Jesus; Jesus is the Word made flesh. i don't really understand that, how can Jesus be a book? that's what the bible is after all, a book. well obviously its much more than that too. i was reading the bible earlier today and i was so comforted by it. it was nice. i never thought i would see the day when the bible didn't scare me as the first emotion. God is still working on me :) every day... i think i'm still working on changing my global headspace to incorporate God. the really big picture... i was reading a psalm today and it was talking about how God made his mountain solid or something like that... "7 O LORD , when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm;" that's what God is doing for me he's making me rock solid in him and making it like a mountain, making it real big, not a small faith, not a small world view... i just wonder why there is so much of this world that is Godless, why there are so many false religions and lost people... this world is strange, i still don't understand the dynamic between God and the forces of evil.
i was going to put the poem 'if everything happens that can't be done' by ee cummings in my poetry section, it used to be one of my favorite poems in highschool. but it's fairly anti-BOOK, it's an old poem, sorta like being anti-TV nowadays, and i thought, i can't put a poem that's anti-book on the website when there is at least one book that DOES have very good things to tell in it.
"if everything happens that can't be done
(and anything's righter
than books
could plan)
the stupidest teacher will almost guess
(with a run
around we go yes)
there's nothing as something as one"
it's a neat little poem... the last line is "we're wonderful one times one" i would say that's almost a religious theme :) what with the mystery of more than one still equaling one... but i know he's only talking about two people.
my poetry section will be up soon, just waiting on the hubby's artwork.

Posted by bonehaven at 6:20 PM - [Link]

Monday, February 03, 2003

i'm starting to forget to write in here... i daresay that the novelty has worn off as well as me feeling pressured to write in here... what to do? perhaps i will stop with the blog... we shall see. i'm making a poetry section for my webpage. and of course, like my blog, it's not quite as Christian as it should be lol. i was just talking to a friend of mine about that tonight. i feel self-conscious about not being Christian enough. it's hard to explain. i feel like i love God and want God and such. but i don't feel like i fit the mold. i don't feel like everybody else. but i suppose i don't worry about stuff like that too much... i just worry about my relationship with Jesus. sometimes i wonder what i'm complaining about suddenly... does that ever happen to anyone out there? you're complaining and then suddenly you wonder what in heaven's name you are on about? today i had such a good day, i had this sensation of sweetness, the life is just so sweet, straight from God it was. and i got to feel like that a couple of times. God has done an amazing work in me...

Posted by bonehaven at 1:44 AM - [Link]

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