Monday, March 31, 2003

oh my, i have totally forgotten to write in my blog! i think it's time to give it up. i've got nothing to say anymore. i've been straining to squirt it out for some time anyway. i don't think there's much point to keeping it up. it will free up some space at the bottom of my page anyway, space for something else... i've been thinking of putting up a forum... let other people write on my page if they want. it's just that i sit here with my fingers poised at the keyboard and my brain blank, with absolutely nothing to say. so i would say my blogging days are over. i suppose i could keep it on my page for the occasion i may feel the need to write. that is unless they delete my account for inactivity. aaah well, we shall see, i will write when i feel like it i'm sure. i just totally forgot this last week. well, back to my movie watching, it's 'death becomes her' that's on her right now. kind of an amusing movie. we'll see if my blog comes back from the dead hehe.

Posted by bonehaven at 12:55 AM - [Link]

Sunday, March 23, 2003

i missed church today, and i felt guilty. i have gotten it into my head that i'm disobedient. it's from the last book i read. the woman was reading the bible every day and when she missed a day the glory of God would leave her. now i'm thinking, i have so much trouble reading the bible, is that why God doesn't talk to me anymore? has He left me because i am disobedient? so i felt disobedient for not going to church this morning. even tho i just slept in. i can see where i can end up quite terrorized over this. i'm not quite sure what to do about it. i was quite shocked when i read that book where she described God's prescence as coming and going from her as she did things that pleased or displeased Him. i found that rather threatening. i thought that Jesus promised to never leave us or forsake us. but i have heard that we lose fellowship with God thru sin, so i guess that i just don't understand. i just didn't know that God would threaten us with loss of His love if we didn't read the bible or do things quite right, i guess i just don't get it. i should ask my mentor.

Posted by bonehaven at 9:47 PM - [Link]

Thursday, March 20, 2003

well, it's war today. president bush declared war. i wonder how bad it's going to get. i remember the first time they attacked iraq, i was so scared, i thought we were all going to die in a nuclear holocaust. this time i'm just thinking of this show i saw on tv about some survivors of the gulf war some years after. there was a young man.. he was trying to walk for the camera, he stood and lurched a few very wobbley steps before falling on his face and crying out 'help me!!', suffering so, hoping for help, he had shaved and done his hair for the camera crew, but i'm sure he was a bed ridden chap, because of course he couldn't walk, and i doubt he had the strength to operate a wheel chair, he had his nerves damaged or whatever because of chemical weapons. and there was this other person who had a tumor on the front of their face the size of a cantaloupe, it was horrific. this sort of suffering was still going on in iraq, years after the gulf war was over because of the chemical weapons. and now it's going to happen again...

Posted by bonehaven at 12:35 AM - [Link]

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

yippeeeeeeeee!!! i finished day twenty eight of my twenty eight day yoga program!! i almost did it perfectly except for that little blurb on day twenty six missing a day there. well, not perfectly, i skipped all the inverted poses and stuff. and day twenty seven was three meditation exercises which i pretty much didn't do, i did the alternate nostril breathing, but that's about it. no candle concentration or anything to do with 'prana'. day twenty eight was a review day, so it was a biggee, it had twenty four exercises in it, that's alot, but it was mostly only the extreme position of each one today so that it went fast. then i took my dog out for a pee and looked up at the sky and there was the moon, bright behind some cumulus clouds, and it looked like heaven, and i found myself delighting in the Lord, and loving Him so. Just like that, just like the scripture says; 'delight thyself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart'... i hope that God gives me the desires of my heart.

Posted by bonehaven at 12:29 AM - [Link]

Sunday, March 16, 2003

well i skipped day twenty six of my yoga program, can you believe i crashed and burned two days before the end? it's just that i had slept until almost 3 oclock again that day, and i just felt so lousy and chronic fatiguey, that i felt i was pushing myself toward a crash. so i thought it was time for a break. and i think i will only practice yoga every SECOND day from now on. so here i am on what would have been day twenty seven and i'm thinking about doing day twenty six, i'm wondering if one day of a break was enough. i feel alright today, it's kind of late, but maybe i could squeeze some yoga in before bed. i've been watching movies and relaxing all day, it was a good day. i had a nice spinach salad for dinner, lots of vitamins there. and i'm just drinking my fresh orange and apple juice now. so i will let that digest a bit and then do yoga. coz i don't really feel too chronic fatiguey today, i wonder if i will be pushing it if i do yoga or if my body is telling me that every second day would be ok. so hard to know. what's body saying? yoga bad? bit of yoga good? what? we shall see...

Posted by bonehaven at 12:03 AM - [Link]

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

well, i dragged myself through the big review on day 24 today. i wanted to skip it, i went to pray for the energy before i did it. for part of it i felt alright, by the end i was tired. my body is fickle. i'm just glad i was able to make it through. the book said it was an important day, the last big review before the end of the program. i'm thinking i might NOT start the program over again right as soon as i'm finished, coz of how i'm not feeling so well and stuff. i'm thinking if i'm going to do yoga for the rest of my life, i should do it every SECOND day instead. give my body more time to rest. elvis costello is on david letterman, he's distracting me. you know i went in some secular chat today, and i sat there frozen, not even knowing what to say, thinking back to when my own life was without God and wondering what i talked about back then. well i don't talk much to begin with i guess, but without God, there's just no THERE there. so much for my foray into secular chat... just thought i would try... oh well

Posted by bonehaven at 12:55 PM - [Link]

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

oh man, today i'm sore and feeling sorry for myself. i had hoped my body would perform some kind of healing miracle with yoga. although i know in my HEAD that yoga is just a way to MANAGE my health, not CURE me. but i had memories of how yoga made me feel when i was young and healthy, and i had high hopes. so i'm kinda down today... just down. i wish that there was more that i could do for my health. a guy in a chat room said that it's six to eight weeks before one can increase weights in a weight program, coz it takes one's body that long to respond. so i guess i shouldn't expect so much from my poor old sick body in 28 days. i'm nearly done the 28 days and i can tell that there will be no miraculous healings. Just exercise and feeling a bit better for exercising. i think i will have to get that 'gentle yoga' workout. there's quite a few exercises i have to leave out in the 28 day program. i just can't do them. well by the time i start racking up the number of exercises i have to leave out i'm starting to get tired anyway, so perhaps it's best. tho soon i will be starting the program all over again... sigh... let's not think about that...

Posted by bonehaven at 12:55 AM - [Link]

Sunday, March 09, 2003

well i have completed day 20 of my 28 day yoga program! i'm so excited, i'm doing so well. well in some respects i am. i totally DIDN'T want to do it today. i was almost angry that i had to do yoga, and i thought that i was going to be causing myself undue stress instead of relieving stress. but then i just went ahead and started the exercises and started concentrating on what i was doing and sort of forgot how angry i was, and it all turned out alright. i even felt good about half way thru. it was a long practice. it was a review day, had alot of exercises in it. yoga is definately not a cure for fibromyalgia, but i am feeling healthier. i think that this is a way to manage one's health. i think that with CFS and fibromyalgia one's body responds ALOT slower to the exercises, but over time i think i will feel much better for practicing yoga. i am still in pain, i still feel my illness and such, but i do feel a feeling of health and energy welling up inside of me in spurts. so there's that. i think this is helping. i think i'm on a good track.

Posted by bonehaven at 12:42 AM - [Link]

Friday, March 07, 2003

Today i reeeeeally didn't feel like doing yoga. for the first time since i started the program i contemplated skipping a day. it was late, so i had the excuse, and i contemplated it. i would have been so disappointed in myself the next day tho. so i did it. but i did it with a serious bad attitude, and i was happy to skip 3 exercises. the head stand and the shoulder stand and i have decided to skip the postures where i have to grab my foot from behind, because i can't reach my foot and i have to get my husband to help me, and i end up with a headache from doing the first posture like that, so i skipped the second posture like that today. so i'm sore and have a bad attitude and i'm hungry and i was out walking around all day and i have sore feet. but God is so good isn't He? He has blessed me so. i'm tentatively happy these days, thinking that's what God wants for us. in spite of all the suffering in the world, i think God wants to bless us and make us happy. so i'm thinking about being happy :) sounds like a good idea to me.

Posted by bonehaven at 12:25 AM - [Link]

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

well i just did day 16 of my yoga program, was a review day... and i've got to tell ya, i'm feeling pretty darn good. got a little bit of shakiness. my arms hurt. standard fibromyalgia pain, nothing extreme. now that my body is starting to adjust to the yoga i'm wondering how far it will go. i mean how far my body will go. how many benefits i will reap. it said in my book that starting a couple days ago i could do yoga twice a day. yeah right. i think that's a tad much. i went to chapters today to see if i could find another yoga book. something to do after the twenty eight day program, coz i'm just going to start over again as it stands, but i can't do that forever i don't think. and i found this book i saw recommended on a yoga forum. it was a book about combatting fatigue with yoga. but when i read a bit of the book it kept talking about 'prana' which is this universal energy type dealy. and i just prefer to stay away from that sort of thing. i'm not sure if that is spiritual or not, but i want to err on the side of caution. so i put the book down and walked away. and i just couldn't seem to find a book that had anything cohesive in it. they all seemed to just present a bunch of yoga exercises. i definately want programs. i want a book that has a bunch of half hour routines in it. i could be asking too much. i might have to buy a lot of tapes to get a variety of work outs. from the sounds of people's posts on the forum that's what they've done, they have a variety of tapes. my husband won't be happy to hear that lol... we shall see.

Posted by bonehaven at 9:02 PM - [Link]

Monday, March 03, 2003

well i missed church today. i totally slept in and felt really bad about it and then i realized that i didn't have the car because my husband was at work anyway. all that wasted guilt. today i found out on the web that people with chronic fatigue syndrome are deficient in magnesium and that pain can be greatly decreased in, well, months if i take magnesium supplements. i think it's worth a try. i sure would like my pain to be greatly decreased. i wish i was like cher. had lots of money to throw at the problem, she sure got cured of chronic fatigue syndrome fast enuff didn't she? wish she would have shared her cure with the world, but she didn't talk about it. there's alot of people that could have used the help. wish i could research it like susan serandon in lerenzo's oil and figure out a cure. sometimes i still rail against the sickness, like IT CAN'T BE. my body should be working normally. normal is so close, but yet so far. i can still remember what it was like, coz sometimes when i lie down to go to sleep i have a moment of pain-freeness, of comfort, where i just feel good for a moment. so i remember...

Posted by bonehaven at 12:56 AM - [Link]

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